WEEKLY WHINE

Operation Enduring Resentment

This document was intercepted from a sidewalk outside the United States Department of State after it fell out of someone's briefcase at about 22:10 UTC on WED 12 MAR 2003, and is now being posted publicly for the first time. This provides an important look at the future of American foreign policy. - NGB

MEMORANDUM

FROM: Chad P Portugal, Director of Foreign Policy Planning Council, US State Department

TO: All Foreign Policy Planning Council members

SUBJECT: Operation Enduring Resentment

CLASSIFICATION: A4-BS23 [Not Quite Top Secret, but Still Pretty Darn Secret]

As you must surely be aware, the United States now has interests in every corner of the world, and some interests that are kind of far from the world as well. The cost of defending these interests has become immense, and an effective foreign policy has proven effective in making our defense of these interests more cost effective. Hence, it is important for an integrated form of foreign policy to be implemented uniformly throughout the world.

The State Department has already had a great deal of success with our series of international irritations. Over the past century, the United States has successfully pissed off many countries around the world, from France to Fiji, from Mexico to Myanmar, from Venezuela to the Vatican. In nearly every case, the nation involved has subsequently been shamed into acting in line with the US's whims.

But it has always been inefficient to wait for countries to do something that we don't like before we chastise them. As a preventative measure, we are instituting Operation Enduring Resentment as a means to ensure that the US continues to dictate the course of human events. Following is a definition statement of this operation.

OBJECTIVE: Piss off all nations that the United States has not yet pissed off.

DESCRIPTION: The nations that the US has yet to piss off are listed below, along with a proposed plan describing the method of pissing off that nation.

ANDORRA

Donald Rumsfeld describes the nation of Andorra as "essentially, a combination of the worst of France with the worst of Spain".

ERITREA

On his first visit to Asmara, George W Bush says, "It's great to be here in Ethiopia for the first time".

LATVIA

Colin Powell describes the Latvian flag as "offensive to Philadelphia residents, who are reminded of the Phillies' old uniforms by the ugly maroon colour".

URUGUAY

When asked by a Presión de Montevideo reporter about increasing tensions in Uruguay, Rumsfeld responds, "Really, who gives a rat belch about Uruguay?".

GEORGIA

Sonny Perdue, governor of the state of Georgia, sues the nation of Georgia for copyright infringement, prompted by an incident in which he accidentally booked a flight to Tblisi instead of Atlanta.

MOZAMBIQUE

Powell describes the nation of Mozambique as "kinda funny shaped".

BURKINA FASO

On his first visit to Ouagadougou, Bush mispronounces the city's name as "Oh Ah God Ooh Go Ooh".

NEPAL

On his first visit to Kathmandu, Bush mispronounces the country's name as "Nipple".