WEEKLY WHINE

League Weakest Link

If you're an American, you may have wondered why professional sports leagues in many countries have promotion/relegation systems, wherein bad teams have to fall to the next lower division and good teams get to leap to the next higher. If you're not an American, you may have wondered why professional sports leagues in the US don't have promotion/relegation systems.

It's a financial thing.

The US is the "Land of Opportunity", or so all the FRI 04 JUL 2003 propaganda would have you believe. Sports leagues have made such good use of that opportunity that it's now impossible to succeed without large amounts of money. Robert Johnson, for example, had to pay the NBA US$300,000,000 to create a team called the Charlotte Bobcats, and Arturo Moreno put up US$180,000,000 to buy the Anaheim Angels.

However, moving teams between divisions can help maintain a high level of competition in each division by ensuring that nobody is blowing everyone else away and that nobody is being blown away by everyone else. Of course, as West Bromwich Albion can tell you, being too good for your old division doesn't necessarily make you good enough for your new division.

In short: Other countries punish teams that suck, even if they're only sucking temporarily. The US doesn't punish any teams, even if they're sucking permanently. What a dilemma!

The GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] has got the answer: League Weakest Link! Here are the rules.

• No promotion. Top level leagues have just gotten so big that it doesn't make sense for minor league teams to become major league teams overnight - especially if they play in collegiate venues that seat only a few thousand.
• No relegation. Players who signed long term contracts did so under the assumption that their team would remain in the same league the whole time.
• Consistency counts. One bad year is understandable. Two bad years is indicative of possible suckage. Ten bad years is cause for euthanasia.
• If you can't reach .500... A team that loses more than it wins for ten consecutive years is destroyed. No trial, no appeal, no plea bargain.

Major League Soccer has only finished seven seasons, the Women's National Basketball Association six, the Women's United Soccer Association two. But for the other US leagues, let's play... League Weakest Link.

NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE

There's only one team in the Drop Zone in the NHL. The Flames are two losing seasons away from being extinguished.

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

The Bengals had better be thankful for the 1996 season, which keeps them alive by one game. But they need to reach .500 again at some point within the next four years.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The bad news for the Royals: They're in the Drop Zone. The good news: They're well on their way to a winning season in 2003. The same, however, cannot be said for the Tigers, who are in far better position to set a new record for losses than actually get to .500.

But here's a surprise. The storied Pittsburgh Pirates, five time World Series champions, nine time National League champions, have lost each season since their division championship in 1992. Not quite as surprising is that the Milwaukee Brewers have also lost for ten straight seasons. You're sure this Selig guy is a good choice to run the majors?

Milwaukee Brewers? Pittsburgh Pirates? You are the Weakest Links. Goodbye.

NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION

Okay, Grizzlies. We've got good news and bad news for you as well. The good news is that last year, you finished with a franchise best record. The bad news is that you need to improve by a further thirteen games within the next two years to stave off destruction. As for you, Nuggets, you've got an even larger mountain to climb. And Warriors, you're only three games off, but this year is your last chance. You're firmly within the Drop Zone.

Would it be too much to ask for Don Sterling to make at least a token effort to attempt success in the NBA? Alvin Gentry and the boys seemed to have things going well in the 2001-2 season, which means it's time to extend some player contracts for some big money and make them happy to be Clippers far into the future. Right. That's why the Clippers have lost for ten straight years. They actually made the 1997 playoffs, thanks to the extreme suckage of other teams in the Western Conference. But by our reckoning, that's not enough to save a team - if you want to impress us when you back into the playoffs, you'd better win a championship.

Los Angeles Clippers? You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.