WEEKLY WHINE

Lame name game

We now continue to offer potential improvements to the world. This time, the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] takes on the stupid names of professional sports teams.

MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

This was a great name when they were in Vancouver. But now they're not. They failed to improve the name when they moved, which gives teams even more reason to make fun of them. "Hey Grizzlies! Where's your habitat? I don't see it here!"
New name: Memphis Woodpeckers

TORONTO RAPTORS

No teams should have names inspired by movies. It is inexcusable. Not even if it lets them have a logo that's so silly it's cute: a dribbling raptor with its claws protruding from its sneakers.
New name: Toronto Electrical Engineers

ANAHEIM MIGHTY DUCKS

No teams should have names inspired by movies. It is inexcusable. Not even if it lets them have a logo that's so silly it's stupid: Donald Duck's hockey mask.
New name: Anaheim Carpool Lanes

ATLANTA BEAT

This name just induces headaches for headline writers. "Beat Beat Breakers"? "Breakers Break Beat"? We'll make all the WUSA teams follow the CyberRays on the path to insanity, just to make sure everyone figures out how annoying BinaryNames are.
New name: Atlanta FireAnts

WASHINGTON FREEDOM

What, did George W Bush name them? Sounds like they used to be the Washington Frenchwomen.
New name: Washington BeltwayBirds

NEW YORK POWER

Yeah. How powerful can they be? Everybody knows that Los Angeles is the location of Watts.
New name: New York MuckRakers

CAROLINA COURAGE

Sigh. Are they trying to "motivate and inspire our nation's youth" with these after-school special names?
New name: Carolina CryoCats

PHILADELPHIA CHARGE

Insert your own shopping joke here.
New name: Philadelphia RoboFish

SAN DIEGO SPIRIT

Look, the only reason that name seems cool is that the St Louis Spirits had that red-white-n-blue ball from the ABA. What do the San Diego Spirit have? Yes, okay, that commercial with Julie Foudy and the broken window is funny. But that's about it.
New name: San Diego SuperCetaceans

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

This name is just redundant. You know, like the Houston Texans.
New name: Philadelphia Fresh Princes