WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction: Can tennis save itself?

Myers: Good evening, and welcome to this week's edition of Interaction in New York. We are here for the US Open tennis tournament, which has seen numerous important issues in the past two weeks. Several well known players have retired, and others have not participated. Those who did play in this tournament had to sit idle for several days this week due to rainy conditions that forced a scheduling squeeze over the past couple of days. And tennis as a whole is not faring much better. Can a new male star be found? Can a female star be found who isn't related to Richard Williams? Are such stars even needed? These are the questions we'll try to answer over the next sixty minutes with our panelists. First, meet the US Open's technical director, Ms Wendy d'Introvert.

d'Introvert: Good day.

Myers: Alongside her, well known tennis commentator Mr Bud Collins.

Collins: Hey there Debbie!

Myers: Injured and not participating in the US Open, except as a reporter, the 72nd ranked women's doubles player, Ms Anna Kournikova.

Kournikova: Hi there!

Myers: And last year's US Open men's singles champion, the recently retired Mr Pete Sampras.

Sampras: Hi.

Myers: Let's start with you, Wendy. Tournament organisers have been under fire this entire week for their handling of the rain delays. But what could have been done better?

d'Introvert: Nothing, really. We have a lot of factors to consider, and I think we did a good job balancing all of them.

Myers: That's certainly an important consideration. Bud, would you agree?

Collins: Of course not! Let the players play! You'll be surprised what they can do!

Myers: Noble sentiments there. Anna, what do the players think of the progress of the tournament?

Kournikova: They are, like, so stressed about it! You would not believe what some of them are doing! It's just like... omigawd!

Myers: That's a lot to think about. Pete, what are your impressions of the schedule?

Sampras: Eeh, you know. Could be worse.

Collins: Come now, Petey! That's ridiculous! These people have to sit around near the court just in case the rain stops! Then when they rush onto the court, they only get in ten minutes of play!

Kournikova: I know! Like, I was talking to Ai and Francesca, who were playing that match on Monday, and, like, they were almost done and didn't get to start again until Thursday, and Ai was like, What's with all this running on and off the court, and I was like, Would you rather play in the rain, and Ai was like, Hel-lo! I can totally play in the rain, but I bet Francesca's just afraid to! They should just put a roof over the stadium, you know! Just, like, keep that nasty rain out! I mean, omigawd!

d'Introvert: Well, look. A roof over the stadium is just a massive headache. And how often will we really need it? Not very much.

Myers: All right. I know you all want to express your opinions, but we've got to move on to the questions now. Remember, you've all got the opportunity to submit your questions to us, by E-mail, by telephone, by facsimile, by post, by telegraph, by messages in bottles, by subliminal messages in records played backward, and by messages at the end of scavenger hunts. We actually did receive a question by scavenger hunt this week. We only solved it this week, and the question was for a programme several weeks ago, but it seems it's still relevant now. So the question is from Marc in Victoria, BC, Canada, who asks what happens to two people who are in such close proximity for so long. Anna, how did Ai Sugiyama and Francesca Schiavone handle their oft delayed match?

Kournikova: Omigawd! That was such an ending! Ai was, like, one game away from winning that match when they stopped play on Monday! And when they finally started again on Thursday, Francesca won three straight games to win the second set, but then she lost two to start the third set, and Ai was all excited, like, because she knew that she was like this close to winning, and then it started raining again, and Ai was like, Can we play like one set without any rain at all, and Francesca was like, This is my chance, o-kay, and then I was just like oh... my... gawd because they finally started again, and Francesca won like every game after that, and we were all, like, totally speechless, like when does this ever happen, just stunned! And I went up to Ai after the match, and she was all, I don't want to talk about it, and Francesca was all, Yeah, I'm badass, but then when she found out that she'd have to play Capriati in the quarterfinals that night, she just totally freaked! And she lost that one, like, because she was all tired and couldn't do anything at all, and Jennifer just totally whipped her ass like she was just, y'know, some unseeded first rounder, and Francesca was just completely out of it!

Myers: Umm, yes. Marc, I hope you found your answer somewhere in all that. Okay, let's move on to another question. This one reaches us by the telephone lines, from Nick in Fort Worth, TX. Nick, are you there?

Nick in Fort Worth: I'm right here.

Myers: What is your question, Nick?

Nick in Fort Worth: I have a question for Pete.

Sampras: Hi.

Nick in Fort Worth: Hi Pete. How are you?

Sampras: Fine.

Myers: Thanks for that question, Nick. Let's move -

Nick in Fort Worth: Wait! That wasn't my que-

Myers: Remember, one question per person. Our next question is a fax from Blake in Christchurch, New Zealand, who wants to know why Michael Chang also retired. Bud, why did Michael Chang also retire?

Collins: Well Debbie, Mikey C was from Hoboken! I mean, if you're from Hoboken, you'll take what you can get! And he did a lot of interesting things during his career! Petey S knows what I'm talking about!

Sampras: Yes, very much so.

Myers: Pete, you've played against Chang numerous times in your career. What did you observe about him?

Sampras: He was fun. Very fun.

Myers: Does any particular meeting with him stand out?

Sampras: No, he just worked hard each time.

Myers: Okay then. We have time for one more question, and we'll go back to the telephone lines. Rebecca in San Juan, Puerto Rico, are you there?

Rebecca in San Juan: Yes, hi.

Myers: Hello Rebecca. What is your question?

Rebecca in San Juan: Um, yes. Without Venus, Serena, Anna, or Martina, who am I supposed to cheer for?

Myers: A complex question. Bud, who can step into the limelight of women's tennis when the well known stars are missing?

Collins: Justine Hénin-Hardenne is a great choice! She's gutsy and everything! I mean, she was dehydrated and everything, but Justy HH stood up!

d'Introvert: Isn't Justy HH a porn star?

Collins: Of course not, she's a tennis player! And a really good one! She should have a good match against Kim Clijsters tonight!

d'Introvert: Isn't Kim Clijsters a porn star?

Collins: Of course not, she's a tennis player! And a really good one! But Kimmy C isn't as good as Justy HH! Justy HH is the new generation of tennis stars!

Myers: Well, whilst we're on the subject, let's discuss men's tennis. Pete Sampras and Michael Chang have retired. Andre Agassi is no spring chicken himself. Men's tennis is in need of another superstar, is it not?

d'Introvert: I don't think so. Fans are really getting behind many newer players.

Myers: Such as?

d'Introvert: Andy Roddick is rapidly becoming a fan favourite. People are really backing him, just like they did Pete and Andre.

Myers: Pete, how was your decision to retire affected by the talent that's now coming to the forefront in men's tennis? Do you feel as though you're being forced out?

Sampras: No, not really.

Myers: But what sort of concerns did you have about being unable to sustain the public's interest?

Sampras: I didn't really have any.

Kournikova: And that's, like, so true! Everybody else is, like, so afraid of Pete now! Like when I talked to Juan, he was all, Pete is going to come out of retirement one day and just kick all our asses and like, totally embarrass us, and then David was like, Oh, he so is, and then Sergei was all, If he does, I am so retiring, even though Sergei wasn't playing that day, so it was like totally weird that he was there, and at first we tried to ignore him, but he just kept talking and talking, and so we totally had to do something, and so we all walked away!

Myers: I believe that's all the time we have for Interaction this week. Let me thank Mr Pete Sampras, Ms Anna Kournikova, Mr Bud Collins, and Ms Wendy d'Introvert for being here today. Next week we'll be back in Warwickshire, and we'll discuss the prospects for economic recovery in the United States and in Europe. We'll be joined by analysts from the real estate, technology, and energy sectors, as well as a travelling educator who teaches insider trading law to underprivileged children. Until then, good night.

Kournikova: Wow! That is, like, so great! Like, I was talking to Christina yesterday, and she was all, Kids today don't understand insider trading, and I was all, I don't understand insider trading, you crazy bitch, and like, I totally couldn't understand what she was getting at, and then the rain stopped and she had to go back out and play, and so I never found out what she meant by that, and then Paola came back, and she was all yelling and just going totally insane, and I was all, What happened, and she was all, Did you see what Lindsay did to me, and I was all, No, I was watching the other match, and she was all, It was just, like, so unfair, and like, I didn't know what to do, and like, my forehand was off, and my backhand was off, and my serves kept missing, and I seemed to be getting these sharp headaches at the base of my brain, and I was all like, I'm getting some sharp headaches just listening to you rattle on and on and on and on and on, and I couldn't figure out how to make her shut up, and so I asked her about the weather, and she was all, Oh the weather's fine, no problem, and I was all, How can you say that after all the delays, and I just could not figure out what was going on inside her head, and my brain was just totally hurting then, and so I went and looked for Lindsay, only I couldn't find her, and so I started asking people, and they were all like, I don't know where she is, and I was all, What do you mean you don't know where she is, and they were all, What, it's not like we're her freaking entourage or something, and I was all, My gawd, you're useless, and they were all, Look who's talking, Little Miss Hissyfit, and I was all, What, and they were all, Get out of the way and let the big girls play, and I was all, Nobody talks to me like that, and they were all, What are you gonna do about it, and I was all, Pete's not going to be happy when he finds out about this, and they were all, You're full of shit, you do not know Pete, and I was like, Of course I know Pete, I'm on a show with him tomorrow, and they were all, Yeah, whatever you crazy bitch, and I was all, Whatever my ass, you're going to be sorry, and they just laughed, and so I need a big favour now, Pete! Pleeeease, please please please, Pete?

Sampras: I have to play the final tomorr- oh, sorry, reflex.