WEEKLY WHINE

That's what we'd like to see

Not a good couple of weeks for horsekind, was it?

Last weekend a dog beat a horse in a race. This week a guy beat a horse in a race. So what other types of races would you like to see? We asked the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] what things should happen in the world of challenging things to outpace other things. Here are some of the interesting things they suggested.

HYBRID STOCK CAR V ELECTRIC STOCK CAR

So you'd figure the electric car would have the advantage, right? Doesn't need to refuel. But the tires are still going to wear down, and the suspension is still going to have to be adjusted, and the driver's Big Gulp is still going to have to be replenished. But anyway, the electric one isn't going to have a big old fuel tank to push around. But it will have a big old battery to push around. This one's too close to call.

SLUG V SNAIL

They may not need to pack drag chutes, but this should be a thrilling race, close all the way. This one should pull in plenty of TV ratings. Bring in John Tesh and John McEnroe to call this one.

Actually, it doesn't matter what kind of sporting event it is. With John Tesh and John McEnroe announcing together, how can you go wrong?

UNICYCLE V CLOWN CAR

Why? Because we can.

BACKHOE V ROTOTILLER

Again: Because we can.

SPEED RACER V OPTIMUS PRIME

Think of the ratings this one would get, especially amongst that Coveted 18-to-35 Year Old Male Demographic. I think you have to give Speed the advantage in this one, but when you consider that Optimus is going to step on him if Speed does win it, how much of an advantage is it really?

ARIANE 5 V SATURN 5

Remember in Armageddon when they had two Space Shuttles launching at the same time? Well, let's build another Ariane 5 launch pad, this one at Cape Canaveral. Then reconstruct Pad 34A and get the Saturn 5 from KSC, you know, the one that's currently sideways. Stand it up, patch it up, fuel it up, and see which one reaches orbit first.

And as a special bonus, maybe the shock waves from the Saturn 5 will make the Ariane 5 blow up.