WEEKLY WHINE

Be it resolved

We now offer these New Year resolutions.

For you, the people of the world, that is. Not for ourselves.

First off, the contestants on Jeopardy! shall once again enter individually at the start of the show, as Johnny Gilbert says, "Now entering the studio are today's contestants."

Whilst we're at it, bring back the big Jeopardy! letters that illuminate in sequence to adorn the set. And change the set lighting from blue to red for the Double Jeopardy! round.

And can you believe that there's no network that wants to shill out to return Win Ben Stein's Money to the air? It was a historic first in television history! A game show with a host who actually plays! Come on!

Continuing on the subject of game shows, someone shall find "JPEnterprises", "MustangCrazy", and "SoloAgain3" a job. Every time I turn on the Game Show Network, at least one of those people - and sometimes all three - are among the high scorers on the website.

Let's move on now to sports. The NHL shall resume immediately, in the form of an amateur league. That's right: Players don't get paid, fans and media are allowed in free. Hence neither the players nor the owners can make money; with luck this will help them realise just how good they had it before they collectively decided to shoot themselves in the collective foot.

A cage match shall be held between Stephen Jackson and Ben Wallace's brother. It may optionally be made into a tag team match with Dennis Rodman assigned to Jackson and Karl Malone assigned to Wallace.

Stadiums built with public funds shall no longer be permitted to have corporate names.

Actually, stadiums built with public funds shall no longer be permitted at all. It's like building a subway with public funds and allowing the company that runs the trains to take all the fare money.

Tournament winners shall have some sort of handicap when they return to defend their title. For example, at Wimbledon in 2005, Maria Sharapova shall use an undersized racket. And Lance Armstrong, who will be trying to win his seventh consecutive Tour de France this year, shall be permitted only one wheel.

The Super Bowl shall be completed in less than three hours.

And, of course, NASA shall do everything possible to maximise the probability of STS-114's success.

Remember, that last resolution is the only one that will actually happen.