WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Terrell Owens

Edvard: Hi! Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol! Let's bring out today's participant. He's a nine year NFL veteran and a five time Pro Bowler, he caught 77 passes for 1,200 yards this season, and he'll suit up tomorrow in Super Bowl XXXIX here in Jacksonville, FL, USA. Playing the game today, please welcome Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens.

Terrell: Hi Edvard. Good to be here.

Edvard: And here are our patrollers. Nickie from Olympia, WA, USA.

Nickie: Hey.

Edvard: Jim from Charlottetown, PE, Canada.

Jim: Hi Eddie.

Edvard: And Justine from Daly City, CA, USA.

Justine: Hi.

Edvard: And Terrell, what's your Schmilblick today?

Terrell: My Schmilblick is: Why I want to play in the Super Bowl against my doctor's advice.

Edvard: Seems like a good one. Why you want to play in the Super Bowl against your doctor's advice. And if our patrollers can guess your Schmilblick today, they'll win tickets to the Super Bowl to watch you possibly in action. But if they can't figure out your Schmilblick in eighteen questions, you'll win tickets to Charlottetown to watch Jim possibly in action. Now let's see if we can't figure out Terrell's Schmilblick. Patrollers, are you ready?

Justine: Yep.

Jim: Yes.

Nickie: Yeah!

Edvard: Terrell, are you ready?

Terrell: I'm ready, Edvard.

Edvard: Let's go on patrol. Nickie, you'll ask first.

Nickie: Thanks Edvard. Um... hi, Terrell.

Terrell: How you doing, baby.

Nickie: Um, okay. So, um, Terrell, do you want to win the Super Bowl?

Terrell: Of course I do.

Edvard: But that's not your Schmilblick.

Terrell: No, it isn't.

Edvard: Okay, one down, seventeen to go. Let's go to you, Jim. What's your first question?

Jim: Terrell, are you confident that your ankle will hold up for a hundred yards' worth of receptions tomorrow?

Terrell: Absolutely.

Edvard: But that's not your Schmilblick either.

Terrell: Nope.

Edvard: Okay then. Two down, sixteen to go. Now before the third question, let's meet our patrollers. Justine, hi.

Justine: Hi.

Edvard: From Daly City, CA.

Justine: Yes.

Edvard: Just south of San Francisco.

Justine: Yes.

Edvard: Terrell, you used to play in a stadium just south of San Francisco, didn't you?

Terrell: I sure did.

Edvard: Justine, did you ever see Terrell in action in that stadium just south of San Francisco?

Justine: No, but I heard stories.

Edvard: What kind of stories?

Justine: Um... something about pom poms?

Edvard: Something about pom poms. Good. Well, let's have your first question, Justine.

Justine: Okay. Terrell, are you planning to come in only at the end if your team needs you?

Terrell: No, I'm not.

Edvard: You won't just sit on the bench and race in for a late two minute drill?

Terrell: That's just not my style, Edvard.

Edvard: Not your style. Well, three down, fifteen to go. Nickie, hi.

Nickie: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do in Olympia?

Nickie: I'm a student.

Edvard: What are you studying?

Nickie: European history.

Edvard: Really? You know, I'm European.

Nickie: Yes you are.

Edvard: What can you tell me about my country?

Nickie: Well, the Netherlands declared neutrality for both World War I and World War II. Germany, of course, invaded the Netherlands in 1940, but in fact German troops also entered Dutch territory for a brief period in World War I. The German army cut across the southeastern corner of the Netherlands on their way to Belgium.

Edvard: Is that right?

Nickie: Yes.

Edvard: Fascinating. I didn't know that, Dutch though I may be. Well, Nickie, let's have your second question.

Nickie: Sure. Terrell, has your ankle healed completely?

Edvard: Okay, well, that's a good question. Has your ankle healed completely?

Terrell: No, it hasn't.

Edvard: It hasn't?

Terrell: No.

Edvard: All right, well, that's four down, fourteen to go. Jim, hi.

Jim: What's up.

Edvard: What do you do up there on Prince Edward Island?

Jim: I collect recyclables.

Edvard: Like, as a hobby?

Jim: No, for the city.

Edvard: So you drive through the city every morning and empty the recycle bins that people leave out?

Jim: That's right.

Edvard: What's the strangest thing anybody's ever tried to recycle?

Jim: There was a bra in somebody's bin once.

Edvard: A bra?

Jim: Yeah. It was sitting right on top of a pile of junk mail.

Edvard: A bra.

Jim: Yeah.

Edvard: Bizarre.

Jim: Yeah.

Edvard: What size was it?

Jim: It was an A cup. I think 32A.

Edvard: 32A? So, somebody skinny. Somebody really skinny. Justine, what bra size do you wear?

Justine: I'm a 38B.

Edvard: Well, anyway, why don't we just get your next question for Terrell?

Jim: Sure. Do you plan to play the whole game?

Terrell: I sure do.

Edvard: You want to play the whole game?

Terrell: Definitely.

Edvard: All right. Well, that's five down, thirteen to go. Justine, back over to you and your 38Ds.

Justine: 38B.

Edvard: Right. 38B.

Justine: You wish I was a 38D.

Terrell: You're fine just the way you are, baby.

Justine: Thanks.

Edvard: Okay, so what would you like to ask next?

Justine: Terrell, did you practise on your ankle this week?

Terrell: Of course I did.

Edvard: So, that's six down, twelve to go. Back to you, Nickie. What will you ask?

Nickie: Terrell, you probably don't want to put too much strain on your ankle, so do you plan to run shorter routes?

Edvard: Well, that's a good, interesting question. Terrell, are you planning to run shorter routes?

Terrell: No, I'm not.

Edvard: Really?

Terrell: I'll just be the same explosive threat you expect me to be.

Edvard: Well, good for you. But bad for our patrollers because that's seven down, eleven to go. Jim?

Jim: Do you want to catch the winning touchdown pass?

Terrell: Yes, I do.

Edvard: That isn't your Schmilblick either?

Terrell: No.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that's eight down, ten to go. Justine, let's have your third question.

Justine: Terrell, are you going to take painkillers before the game?

Terrell: No, I don't plan to.

Edvard: All right then. Nine down, nine to go, and Terrell, we've learned a lot about your plans for Super Bowl XXXIX, but we still don't know just why you want to play in the Super Bowl against your doctor's advice, which is your Schmilblick today. Okay Nickie, we need your help. Give us a good one.

Nickie: Well, I'll try. Terrell, do you want to catch the winning touchdown pass so that you can do some sort of wacky celebration?

Terrell: Yes.

Edvard: You? A wacky celebration?

Terrell: You might say that.

Edvard: Okay, well, that's ten down, eight to go. Jim.

Jim: My question is, are you going to do a flip if you score?

Edvard: Well, that's interesting. Are you going to do a flip if you score, Terrell?

Terrell: No, I'm not going to do a flip! What, are you crazy?

Edvard: I think that's a wise choice, Terrell. No touchdown flips for you, and it's eleven down, seven to go. Justine, what do you want to ask next?

Justine: I'm going to ask, does your doctor think you'll permanently damage your ankle if you play?

Terrell: He thinks there's a chance, yes.

Edvard: But you're still playing. And it looks like we'll remember that decision for years to come, for better or worse. Meantime, we've got twelve down, six to go, and we're running out of chances. Nickie?

Nickie: Terrell, if you score the winning touchdown, will you go up to an Eagles cheerleader and pretend that she's having a wardrobe malfunction?

Terrell: You bet I will, and that's my Schmilblick.

Edvard: It is?

Terrell: It is.

Edvard: You're going to play in hopes that you'll score the winning touchdown so that you can do that?

Terrell: No, I'm going to play because I know I'll score the winning touchdown and do that.

Edvard: Well, I'm sure you'll do everything you can to make that happen, and on their thirteenth question, our patrollers got your Schmilblick. So you'll each win tickets to the Super Bowl tomorrow in hopes of seeing that event firsthand. Congratulations to all of you, and we'll see you next time on GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night from Jacksonville!