WEEKLY WHINE

CSI: Bolotnikovo

What do you do when your lake goes away?

In Bolotnikovo, Russia, they call in the GoobNet SPEED.

If that sounds useless to you, that's because it is.

But that's what they wanted to do, and who are we to complain? So the members of the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] examined the suddenly dry lakebed, which had been wet earlier in the week, to put forth their theories as to what happened.

SUBSIDENCE INTO A CAVE

The most popular theory, this claims that there are underground caves or rivers nearby, with an entrance that suddenly opened up overnight. This would be the best explanation, since reports say that this happened in the area some 70 years ago, destroying houses in the process.

This idea, though, suffers from one key shortfall: It's boring.

A MONSTER DRANK IT ALL

There we go. That's a more interesting theory.

Of course, this theory suffers from a problem all its own: It's stupid.

GLOBAL WARMING

Some GoobNet SPEED team members asked if global warming could be the culprit. Sudden, explosive, localised global warming.

The answer: No. And not just because "localised global warming" is an oxymoron.

FIREFIGHTERS TOOK IT

Oftentimes, firefighters will drop water from helicopters in an attempt to fight forest fires. So did they take all the water from this lake in a firefighting effort, forgetting to tell everyone?

Possibly. But local firefighters say that they only use bottled water for this purpose, so there goes that idea.

AMERICAN DEHYDRATION RAY

Don Rumsfeld denied the existence of this weapon, which must mean the US has it. Top secret diagrammes intercepted by GoobNet SPEED members when a guy was flossing illustrate how the dehydration ray would work. It can be mounted on a vehicle, with a lesser power version available as a shoulder mounted system. It works much like a microwave oven, sending microwave radiation to the lake at one of water's vibrational frequencies. The water is then heated until it boils off.

Rumours claimed that an American man had been caught in Omsk with a shoulder mounted dehydration ray, but it turned out just to be a vodka seeking missile launcher.