Interaction: Looking down on the DPR

Myers: Good evening, and welcome once again to Interaction, where you get to live vicariously through your television set. This week we're discussing the most secretive nation in the world, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. There are many misconceptions about what goes on in Korea DPR, who lives there, what they do, what they eat, what they wear, and what they watch on television. Amazingly, Interaction is not available in that nation. But North Koreans are available to us, and so that means you'll get to hear from them directly. We start, as usual, with the Interaction IQ, the Initial Question. Today it's from Marcos in Torrance, CA, USA, who asks what the leading leisure activity in Korea DPR is. We'll go first to the chairman of Korea DPR's National Defence Commission, joining us in Pyongyang, Mr Kim Jong-Il.

Kim JI: Well, our people enjoy their sports. For example, golf, which I play often. Some say I'm pretty good.

Myers: And Mr Kim's son, Mr Kim Jong-Nam, is with us from Wonsan, Korea DPR.

Kim JN: Oh, there's plenty of stuff to do in North Korea. Plenty of stuff. Yeah.

Myers: In Daejeon, Korea Republic, we have the author of Don't Touch That Dial: North Korean Media and Its Role in Societal Control, Ms Cham Ri-Seong.

Cham: Yes, they do say Kim Jong-Il is pretty good at golf. Media there is notorious for making ridiculous claims about him. They say he hits at least eight holes in one every time he plays.

Myers: And with me here in our Warwickshire studios is a former Asian affairs specialist at the Universal Postal Union, Ms Nadia Diachora.

Diachora: Well, I don't know what people do there, but I've seen some of their stamps. They need some more ideas. All the ones I saw had this guy with poofy hair and big sunglasses.

Myers: And I'm Debbie Myers. I don't know what people do in Korea DPR either, but I too question their claims about golf. Let's discuss now some of the internal issues that Korea DPR faces. For instance, there is some question as to who would succeed Kim Jong-Il. Kim Jong-Nam, you're the chairman's oldest son, though you were caught trying to travel to Japan with a false passport several years ago. Do you feel that ruined your chances of becoming the next leader of Korea DPR?

Kim JN: No, absolutely not. I was only going to Tokyo Disneyland, and I forgot that my passport was voided when I spilled tabasco sauce on it. It's an easy mistake to make. Fortunately the Dear Leader let me off easily.

Myers: So you weren't punished?

Kim JN: No, I was. But I only had to spend two days in the Chamber of Flames. The Dear Leader's magnanimity, it... ummm... it knows no bounds.

Myers: Kim Jong-Il, what is the normal punishment for attempting to use a false passport?

Kim JI: Well Debbie, normally it's five days in the Chamber of Flames and then the weekend in the Room of Rotten Fish. But little Nammy is -

Kim JN: Don't call me that!

Kim JI: Are you questioning the Dear Leader?

Kim JN: [grudgingly] No sir.

Kim JI: What's your name?

Kim JN: [sigh] Little Nammy.

Kim JI: Correct. You may have a biscuit. Anyway, little Nammy is one of our great citizens, and his mistakes are overshadowed by the great good he has done for our country.

Myers: Such as?

Kim JI: Well, he created our most popular game show.

Myers: Really? What is it called?

Kim JI: It's called Wheel of Collectivism. It regularly pulls in ratings of 100 on Tuesday nights.

Myers: And what is the objective of that programme, Kim Jong-Nam?

Kim JN: Well, contestants solve word puzzles to win money for the community. It's a big hit. Over the show's history, the state has won millions of won thanks to our citizens' ability to identify common phrases.

Myers: The state?

Kim JN: Yes. All winnings on Wheel of Collectivism go directly to the state. This ensures that the common good is served.

Myers: I see. Well, we have several more questions to get to today, and let me just remind you that there are a number of ways for you to get your question to us. There's telephone, telegraph, E-mail, snail mail, facsimile, and spelling your question in our alphabet soup. Now let's get a question from the telephone lines. Sam in West Bromwich, England, UK, are you there?

Sam in West Bromwich: Yes, hi. I want to know why media is so tightly controlled in Korea DPR when there are so many good television programmes and movies from other countries.

Cham: Well, if I may, it is primarily because of North Koreans' feeling of superiority. Kim Jong-Il thinks that other nations have poor, annoying, morally corrupt television and films. He feels that other nations are in a state of decline because people don't work together; they simply do whatever the hell they feel like without regard for how it serves the state.

Diachora: Yes, I for one can't understand how they can live without Desperate Housewives.

Kim JI: As a matter of fact, we do have our own version of Desperate Housewives. It is a little different, though.

Myers: Should I ask in what way?

Kim JI: Well, a few weeks ago, we played a football match against Iran. Prior to state television's broadcast of the match, there was a sketch involving Oh Sam Rik from Desperate North Korean Housewives and North Korean footballer Kim Yong-Jun. Oh asked Kim if he wanted the skip the match. The player replied that the team would have to win without him, at which point the Self Interest Trap Door opened, and both individuals fell directly into the Pit of Cattle Prods. Then they cut to two other Desperate North Korean Housewives actresses watching the encounter on television, who commented on how "desperate" Oh appeared and then changed the channel to the game, repeating the traditional Wednesday Night Football introduction, "Are you ready for some football?!". The game broadcast then commenced.

Myers: I see. Well, we have time for one more question, and it's an E-mail from Mackenzie in Auckland, New Zealand. Mackenzie asks whether Desperate North Korean Housewives and Wheel of Collectivism are available on DVD. Kim Jong-Nam, are they?

Kim JN: Yes, but not to... um... capitalist pigs such as yourselves.

Myers: Okay then. Well, that will -

Kim JN: Oh, I can't take it any more! I've been living a lie all this time! I'm no Stalinist! I'm a capitalist! I love money! The smell of a fresh stack of euro bills! The crisp feel of a Benjamin! The loonie! The twonie! A coin purse filled to the brim with pound coins! Dollars all over, be they Canadian or American or Jamaican or Australian or New Zealandan or... that's not the word, is it? What is it called, the Kiwi dollar? That doesn't sound right. Whatever it is, I love it! And I love the real and the rupee and the yen and the yuan and the peso and the krone and the krona and the franc and - [falls out of frame] aaaaaaaahhhh... [voice recedes into faintness]

Myers: Well, that will have to do it for Interaction this week. It only remains for me to thank Ms Nadia Diachora, Ms Cham Ri-Seong, Mr Kim Jong-Nam, and Mr Kim Jong-Il for joining us tonight. Next week we'll be in Manchester, England, where we'll talk about the recent acquisition of Manchester United by an American businessman. We'll be joined by Man Utd's Roy Keane, a protesting Man Utd fan, another American sports team owner, and a doomsaying analyst. Until then, good night.

Kim JI: He'll be fine. He just was sucked into the Capitalist Vortex. You can see him again after his twelve days in the Tiny House.

Kim JN: [faintly] At least I saved fifteen percent on my car insurance.