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Mixed Up Horoscopes

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WEEKLY WHINE

Your tie shot the sheriff

Do you know why the advice in your horoscope never seems to help?

Yes, it's because horoscopes are completely useless. They're made up from scratch, utilising such "information" as where the planets just happen to be just to make it sound like they know what they're talking about. Yes, Mercury may be at superior conjunction this weekend, but does that really mean that every decision you make is important? Of course not. The way you should live your life has nothing to do with the location of 2003 UB313; it has everything to do with what sort of tie you like to wear.

Remember: If you don't like your prediction, go pull the narrow end of your tie.

WIDE TIE
You are unconcerned with how others perceive you. Which is a good thing. Anyway, you are eager to do things like buy vowels and kick signs. But be careful! Not all signs are ripe for the kicking, and not all vowels are ripe for the buying. Your lucky dance is the flamenco.

NARROW TIE
Narrow ties may be in fashion, but propellor beanies are ascending in Cleveland this week, which means problems for all Narrowtieans. You may see a ceiling that's about to collapse; in such a case, get out of the way. Wear your narrow tie with pride, unless you are taller than one metre. Your lucky finger is Renée Zellweger's ring.

BOW TIE
If you're blue and you don't know where to go, why don't you go to the place where fashion sits? Because the line is too long, that's why. Instead, go to the place where fashion leans against the wall and idly stares at culture, who is too busy making an idiot of itself to notice.

STRING TIE
If life sometimes seems too overwhelming, it's because it is. Try not living for the next few days. Your lucky scientist is Geoff Marcy.

DOLLAR SIGN TIE
You have been depreciating in value for some time now. And you may have had some second thoughts about certain things, but that's natural. Just make sure you also have third thoughts afterward, and then take the best two out of three. Your lucky gas is ozone.

SATURN TIE
Have you been staring at the wall, trying to find patterns in it? Well, sometimes you might not be finding patterns just because there aren't any to find. Ever think of that? Did you? Of course not.

FISH TIE
You've had many occasions in the past where you've felt as though someone was watching you. Well, guess what: In the past, nobody was watching you. But you'll feel that way again sometime this week, and this time, someone will be watching you. So plan ahead by eating an oatmeal cookie. Your lucky game show is Lingo.

HAPPY FACE TIE
You're annoying.

NO TIE
Feel free to wake up later in the morning; you've earned it. This week, when somebody says something to you, it will be something trifling that you can ignore. You enjoy cutlery, but have you ever wondered why? Your lucky drink is pineapple juice.

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