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Schmilblick Patrol

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Schmilblick Patrol: Toshimitsu Yoshida

Edvard: Hi! Hey everyone! Welcome! Welcome to GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol! Our participant today is a FIFA-accredited referee from Japan. He's just come from Tashkent, Uzbekistan, where he officiated the first leg of the Men's World Cup qualifying playoff between Uzbekistan and Bahrain. Please welcome football referee Toshimitsu Yoshida.

Toshimitsu: Hello Edvard.

Edvard: Toshimitsu, want to meet our patrollers?

Toshimitsu: Yes, I do.

Edvard: Okay. Here's Victoria from Taraco, Peru.

Victoria: Hi.

Edvard: Ron from Vaduz, Liechtenstein.

Ron: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: And Pamela from Sioux City, IA, USA.

Pamela: Good evening.

Edvard: All right. Looks like a good panel of patrollers today. Toshimitsu, what is your Schmilblick?

Toshimitsu: My Schmilblick is: Why I gave Bahrain a free kick after Uzbekistan's penalty, forcing the entire match to be replayed.

Edvard: Why you gave Bahrain a free kick. Yes, that was a rather egregious mistake, I thought. If our patrollers today can guess your Schmilblick, they'll all win an official yellow card signed by yourself. But if they can't get your Schmilblick in eighteen queries, you'll win an official Lake Titicaca bodyboard signed by Victoria. And remember, today of course we're playing for the victims of Hurricane Katrina down there in Louisiana, Alabama, and Mississippi. The winner's prize will also be donated to the relief effort, so thanks a lot to everyone for participating. Okay, good luck all around. Patrollers, ready?

Ron: I'm ready.

Victoria: Ready.

Pamela: Let's get it on!

Edvard: Toshimitsu, ready?

Toshimitsu: Yes.

Edvard: Let's go on patrol! Victoria, let's have a question from you.

Victoria: Toshimitsu, hi.

Toshimitsu: Hi Victoria.

Victoria: Toshimitsu, what should you have done instead of give a free kick?

Toshimitsu: Well, I –

Edvard: Hang on, Toshimitsu. Sorry, Victoria. We need a yes or no question.

Victoria: Yes or no?

Edvard: Yeah. Only yes or no questions.

Victoria: Okay. Um... okay. Toshimitsu, should you have ordered a retake of the penalty instead of a free kick?

Toshimitsu: Yes.

Edvard: Yeah, if you had been interested in officiating correctly. So that's one down, seventeen to go. Ron?

Ron: Hi Toshimitsu.

Toshimitsu: Hi.

Ron: Do you study the Laws of the Game?

Toshimitsu: Yes, of course. All referees do.

Edvard: All right then. Study hall is in session for the referees. That's two down, sixteen to go. But before we have another question, let's meet our patrollers. Pamela, hi.

Pamela: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do there in Sioux City?

Pamela: I'm an announcer at monster truck rallies.

Edvard: Is that right?

Pamela: Yes, we have rallies the last Friday of every month at the fairgrounds.

Edvard: So if I was a monster truck driver, how would you introduce me?

Pamela: [booming] He can't see over the steering wheel, but he can crush yours into the ground! He's come all the way from Holland to lower the boom! He's Dyyyyy-namite Eating Eeeeeeed-vaaaard!

Edvard: Now, now, wait a minute. We invite you into our studio, we give you a chance to win these wonderful prizes, and what do I get back? A short joke. Come on. No, I'm kidding, Pamela. Let's have your first question.

Pamela: Toshimitsu, did you know that you were making a mistake?

Edvard: Well, that could be it there. Did you know, Toshimitsu, that you were doing something wrong?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: You didn't know?

Toshimitsu: No, I didn't.

Edvard: All right. Well, kind of an important thing not to know. Three down, fifteen to go. And we come back to Victoria. Hi.

Victoria: Hi.

Edvard: You're a street cleaner in Peru?

Victoria: That's right.

Edvard: And what do you like to do for fun?

Victoria: I go bodyboarding on Lake Titicaca.

Edvard: That's right. We alluded to that earlier. How is that?

Victoria: It's fun.

Edvard: Are there a lot of waves on Lake Titicaca?

Victoria: No, the waves are very small.

Edvard: So the bodyboarding is kind of dull?

Victoria: Dull, yes. But fun. Very fun.

Edvard: Okay, great. Well, let's have your next question, Victoria.

Victoria: Okay. Toshimitsu, did your linesman or anyone tell you that you'd fucked up during the game?

Toshimitsu: No. They did not tell me.

Edvard: So that's four down, fourteen to go. Ron, hi.

Ron: Hi, Edvard.

Edvard: Ron, what do you do there in Liechtenstein?

Ron: Well, Edvard, I'm a host at a restaurant.

Edvard: What restaurant is that?

Ron: Captain Hans. It's one of the top Mexican restaurants in Liechtenstein.

Edvard: A Mexican restaurant called Captain Hans?

Ron: It's a long story.

Edvard: Okay. Well, if we've got some time to kill at the end of the show, maybe we'll hear it then. But now, how about your next question.

Ron: Toshimitsu, did the Uzbek players say that you should have given a retake?

Toshimitsu: Yes, they did.

Edvard: They were protesting your decision?

Toshimitsu: Yes.

Edvard: But you didn't listen. And now the match has been annulled. Quite some error. Anyway, that's five down, thirteen to go. Pamela, back around to you.

Pamela: Did you think that penalties can't be retaken?

Toshimitsu: No, I did not.

Edvard: Hmmm. Six down, twelve to go. We're a third of the way through, and let's come back to you, Victoria.

Victoria: Okay. Did you think it was like the offside rule?

Toshimitsu: Yes, I did.

Edvard: But that's not your Schmilblick.

Toshimitsu: No, it isn't.

Edvard: All right. Seven down, eleven to go. Ron, let's have your third question.

Ron: Toshimitsu, did you bet a friend that you'd screw up a rule during that match?

Edvard: Well, that's an interesting way to look at it? Did you bet a friend, Toshimitsu, that you'd fuck up?

Toshimitsu: No. Of course not.

Edvard: Okay. So that's eight down, ten to go. Pamela?

Pamela: Were you trying to become a famous referee?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: Well, good, because there are way better ways than that. Okay, nine down, nine to go. We're midway through, but nobody has yet captured Toshimitsu Yoshida's Schmilblick, which today is why he gave Bahrain a free kick after Uzbekistan took their penalty in their match last weekend. So now we come back around to you, Victoria. What will you ask?

Victoria: Toshimitsu, do you have selective amnesia?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: Selective amnesia? Do you watch too many of those telenovelas down there in Peru?

Victoria: But they're good!

Edvard: Maybe, but they tend to give me selective amnesia. Okay, ten down, eight to go. Ron?

Ron: Ummmm... did you wear a different deodorant than you normally do?

Toshimitsu: No, I did not.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that was a completely useless question, and so we're at eleven down, seven to go. Pamela, let's go back to you.

Pamela: Toshimitsu, did you want to get out of there in a hurry?

Toshimitsu: Yes, I did.

Edvard: That's not your Schmilblick either?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: All right. Well, hopefully that will be some helpful information. That's twelve down, six to go. Victoria, let's go over to you.

Victoria: Toshimitsu, did you want to get back to your hotel to watch Desperate Housewives?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: Not a Desperate Housewives fan?

Toshimitsu: No, I am. But that's not why.

Edvard: Okay. Thirteen down, five to go. Ron, we're running out of chances here. Do you have a good question?

Ron: Well, let's find out. Did you want to get back to your hotel for the lounge act in the bar?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: [incredulous] The lounge act?!

Ron: Sure. There are plenty of good lounge acts around. [checks watch] Speaking of which, can we hurry this along?

Edvard: No. Shut up. Fourteen down, four to go. Let's go to you, Pamela.

Pamela: Okay. Toshimitsu, did you want to get to your hotel to watch porn?

Toshimitsu: [giggling] No, I did not.

Edvard: Is your wife here?

Toshimitsu: Yes, she's right there.

Edvard: Well then, that must be the right answer. Fifteen down, three to go. Each patroller has only one question left. Victoria, give us your last question.

Victoria: Toshimitsu, did you want to get back to your hotel to watch anything?

Toshimitsu: No, I didn't.

Edvard: Not even Austin Powers?

Toshimitsu: I have seen that plenty of times.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that's sixteen down, two to go. Ron, one more question for you.

Ron: Toshimitsu, did you have a dinner reservation in Tashkent after the game?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: Well, it was worth a shot, I guess. Perhaps Captain Hans could open up a franchise in Tashkent, right? Anyway, that's seventeen down, one to go. Last chance, Pamela.

Pamela: Were you in a hurry to finish the game because there's a prize for the referee who can officiate the shortest game?

Toshimitsu: No.

Edvard: Okay. That's eighteen down, zero to go. Nobody got your Schmilblick, Toshimitsu. What was it?

Toshimitsu: My Schmilblick was: Because the garage where I parked charged by the hour.

Edvard: What, really?

Toshimitsu: Yes. I would have had to pay two thousand sums more if I stayed past three hours.

Edvard: Isn't that just, like, two dollars?

Toshimitsu: It is?

Edvard: I think it is. Anyway, nobody got your Schmilblick today, so that means you'll win a Lake Titicaca bodyboard that Victoria has signed, and that also means we'll also be sending a signed bodyboard to help out with the relief efforts along the Gulf coast there. Congratulations, Toshimitsu. And we'll see you again next time right here on GoobNet's Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. I'm Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night!