WEEKLY WHINE

Santana Muwoss will love it

Monday Night Football on ABC is no more.

You may stop panicking at any time.

Yes, starting next season, ESPN will broadcast Monday night NFL games to viewers in the United States. Assuming there are any viewers left, of course. Al Michaels will still be there, but John Madden is jumping ship, moving to NBC's Sunday night team.

So are you wondering what's going to happen next year on Monday nights? Probably not, but we'll tell you anyway.

MON 11 SEP 2006: ATLANTA-NY GIANTS

The evening will begin with a live performance of Norah Jones's new Monday Night theme, "Shut the Fuck Up, Hank Williams Jr". Michaels's new partner, Joe Theismann, will respond, "I didn't know we could air that." In the game itself, Michael Strahan will sack Atlanta's Michael Vick twice, mooning the Skycam the second time. During the halftime show, Chris Berman will recap the previous day's NFL games and debut his new name for Texans rookie Reggie Bush, "The Long Lost Son", alluding to another famous Texan named Bush who is old enough to be Reggie's father.

Score: Giants 21, Falcons 17

MON 18 SEP 2006: SAN DIEGO-DENVER

Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer will fall asleep early in the fourth quarter, but neither Michaels nor Theismann will notice. At the 08:45 mark, they will toss to sideline reporter Suzy Kolber, who will say, "Al, I just spoke with Cam Cameron, the Chargers' offensive coordinator. He says this game has run past coach Schottenheimer's bedtime, and that he and defensive coordinator Wade Phillips will be calling the plays the rest of the night. And I did get a look at Schottenheimer's blanky, and it is a classic powder blue. Al?"

Score: Chargers 44, Broncos 10

MON 25 SEP 2006: SEATTLE-ARIZONA

The league optimistically schedules the Cardinals' first game in their new stadium on a Monday night, hoping that the team will rise to the occasion [ie, not suck]. The league will be disappointed.

Score: Seahawks 51, Cardinals 3

MON 02 OCT 2006: BALTIMORE-CINCINNATI

Fresh off their first division title since everyone was still giggling at Boomer Esiason's name, the Bengals will host the Ravens. Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Johnson will shock the nation with the celebration of his first touchdown reception of the night, when he will use a black paint roller to paint over the ugly white piping on the sides of his jersey.

Score: Bengals 31, Ravens 22

MON 09 OCT 2006: CHICAGO-NEW ENGLAND

The Bears will visit Foxborough, MA with an eye toward making Patriots coach Bill Belichick look not as bright as everyone always says he is. They will almost succeed.

Score: Patriots 27, Bears 24

MON 16 OCT 2006: INDIANAPOLIS-DALLAS

Peyton Manning, injured during preseason when he falls off a fence trying to get an autograph from a bulldozer driver, will sit out the Colts' sixth game. The defending AFC champions will mount a late comeback but will be foiled when Mike Vanderjagt will nearly recover his own onside kick; he'll fumble out of bounds instead. When the call is reviewed, Michaels will spend four minutes arguing with himself about whether the video evidence is indisputable.

Score: Cowboys 17, Colts 13

MON 23 OCT 2006: DENVER-BUFFALO

The quarterback controversy will continue to rage in Buffalo, where JP Losman and Kelly Holcomb will be in the third week of coach Mike Mularkey's plan wherein the two alternate plays. But in the third quarter, Holcomb will accidentally play two downs in a row, and Mularkey will then play Losman twice in a row; the second play will be a touchdown pass to Eric Moulds. Theismann will say, "Maybe they should keep doing that." They won't.

Score: Broncos 29, Bills 20

MON 30 OCT 2006: CINCINNATI-INDIANAPOLIS

The Bengals will celebrate the night before Halloween by tricking the Colts and treating their own fans.

Score: Bengals 24, Colts 6

MON 06 NOV 2006: WASHINGTON-NEW ORLEANS

Playing in the Superdome for the first time since Hurricane Katrina more than a year previously, the Saints will offer discounted tickets for New Orleans residents, although this being the NFL, the tickets will still be overpriced anyway. Tom Benson will be roundly booed, and not just by Al Michaels.

Score: Saints 37, Redskins 20

MON 13 NOV 2006: KANSAS CITY-PITTSBURGH

After the game, which the Steelers win handily, Kolber will ask Ben Roethlisberger what inspired his four touchdown performance. His response will be, "All those restaurants promised me a free Roethlis-burger for every touchdown pass I threw tonight. You know something, Suzy? I am hungry!"

Score: Steelers 35, Chiefs 14

MON 20 NOV 2006: MINNESOTA-GREEN BAY

During the offseason, rumours will swirl that there will be no Monday night game at Lambeau Field. But picketers outside the NFL's headquarters will cause the league to cave and schedule this matchup. The morning after this embarrassment, NFL executives will picket outside the picketers' houses.

Score: Vikings 30, Packers 12

MON 27 NOV 2006: INDIANAPOLIS-JACKSONVILLE

During a sideline report early in the third quarter, Michele Tafoya will spot a monitor showing the ESPN feed; the graphic will spell her name Michelle. She will say, "Hang on. What does that say? Is that with two Ls? Is that what's on the air now? The entire country is seeing you misspell my good name? Who the hell is responsible for this? I've been on Monday nights for three years now! I know your name, Al! Don't you know mine by now? Who do you guys think I am, anyway? Sarah Michelle Gellar or something? Michelle Trachtenberg? Michelle Ferrara? Michelle Thorne?! Well, guess what? This Michele has one L! You got that? One L! You morons can spell Indianapolis in your sleep, but somehow a woman's name comes up and you go all Duuuh! I'll be in my trailer!"

There is dead air for several seconds, before Michaels finally says, "You know what I wanted to see tonight? A blocked extra point."

Score: Jaguars 26, Colts 17

MON 04 DEC 2006: CAROLINA-ATLANTA

Stephen Davis will score his tenth touchdown of the season in the first quarter. He will celebrate it by borrowing some pompoms from a cheerleader and pretending to make out with Ricky Proehl. Michaels will say, "I guess that's a reference to last year's Cheergate scandal. And coincidentally enough, you can see an ESPN original movie, Cheergate: Behind the Stall Door, starring Michelle Trachtenberg and Michelle Thorne, this Saturday night at nine Eastern, six Pacific, right here on ESPN and ESPN HD."

Score: Panthers 14, Falcons 11

MON 11 DEC 2006: DALLAS-TAMPA BAY

Theismann will tell a story about Buccaneers owner Malcolm Glazer, who purchased the team in 1995 and promptly remade the team's image: "So the Glazers felt like the team needed a change. They had all kinds of helmets mocked up, with five or six different colour schemes. They were walking along this table with all the different helmets, until finally the new owner stopped in front of a dark metallic one. And so Malcolm Glazer picked a pile of pewter helmets."

Score: Cowboys 27, Buccaneers 20

MON 18 DEC 2006: SAN DIEGO-BALTIMORE

The Ravens, needing a win to remain alive for a playoff berth, will spend the whole evening hitting hard, much to the delight of the sound guys in the Horse Trailer. The move will pay off, as Drew Brees must exit the game with a sprained eardrum, putting an end to the Chargers' comeback.

Score: Ravens 20, Chargers 13

MON 25 DEC 2006: NY GIANTS-PHILADELPHIA

Terrell Owens, who will spend the entire season on one week contracts with seventeen different teams, will play for the Giants in the last week of the season against his former team. His new teammates will turn to him for inside information about the plays and signals that the Eagles use, but as Michaels will point out, "Obviously the Eagles have learned from the Raiders' performance in Super Bowl XXXVII."

Score: Eagles 33, Giants 16