WEEKLY WHINE

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Have you seen this E-mail forward?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

For the same reason we yell into our mobile telephones.

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Banks are run by rich, greedy bastards who spend their lives searching for more ways to screw you over, like the guy on Deal or No Deal.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Who says there are 4,000,000,000 stars? There are more like 400,000,000,000 stars in the Milky Way alone.

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle it comes in?

Glue is a drying adhesive, which means it begins to adhere as it dries. See the Wikipedia article.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Believe it or not, Wikipedia can answer this question as well.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

He did try to grow one a few years ago, but Jane hated it.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

You'd rather he duck the bullets? You've been watching The Matrix too much.

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a mechanical failure or other contingency occurs before the pilot reaches the objective, the pilot would have to return to base or eject.

Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?

Mr Niles P Slatteridge of Hampstead, England, UK, in 1804. Prior to his innovation, the word was spelled phonetically: lithp.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

That's like saying, "If I'm my mother's child, why is my mother still around?".

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

We need twenty ccs of Wikipedia, stat!

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Whenever the store is closed, the mattresses are, by definition, not on sale.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

For the same reason people keep sending around E-mail forwards without bothering to check that Wikipedia has already answered the same questions.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

There have been great advances in vacuum cleaner technology in recent years. Many modern vacuum cleaners can now pick up a piece of string on the thirteenth try.

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

You're supposed to let air into the bag.

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Through the unenclosed part.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?

If this is a frequent problem for you, try drinking less.

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

You will want to warm up as quickly as possible if you just came in from a cold winter day.

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

What's the penalty for bigamy? Having two fathers-in-law.

See how much that one sucked?