WEEKLY WHINE

We know exactly what you’re thinking

Some stores in downtown Tokyo will soon be broadcasting adverts to people who pass by. What does this mean?

Aside from the inexorable death of your privacy, of course.

This means that shoppers will no longer have to look inside shop windows to see what they’re selling. Instead, shoppers will have to look at their mobile telephones, or at a reader that they carry around.

What exactly was wrong with shop windows is anyone’s guess.

In any case, this is yet another example of the Age of Overadvertising, in which Super Bowl adverts are more important than the Super Bowl, in which you can arrive fifteen minutes late for a film and discover that the trailers are still going on, and in which television stations actually edit real content out of older programmes so that they have even more time for commercials.

Thankfully, we still have a few years before all of civilisation collapses and the remaining survivors are forced to scavenge from the very stores that are today trying to broadcast adverts to passers. In the meantime, let’s take a look at the adverts that the following people would receive if they walked through the Ginza district.

Carmelo Anthony: “Do you fight like a girl? Rock’s Gym and Training Centre can help.”

George Allen and Virgil Goode: “Join us at the Racial Sensitivity Centre, where we can help you overcome your xenophobia. Sessions led by Keith Ellison and Macaca Smith.”

Jessica Simpson: “Chicken of the Sea, for all your sandwich interior needs. Warning: Product does not contain chicken.”

Lindsay Lohan: “Come to Raquel’s Intimates Boutique and put on some panties. For the love of god, Lindsay, put on some panties!”

George W Bush: “At Nelson’s Bookstore, we have an entire politics section, where you can discover that there are alternatives to neoconservatism. Alternatives that actually work.”

Britney Spears: “At Nelson’s Bookstore, we have an entire parenting section, where you can discover hundreds of books about how to raise kids. Just in case that whole ‘figure it out yourself’ thing hasn’t been working out. And one more thing: Meet Lindsay at Raquel’s Intimates Boutique.”