WEEKLY WHINE

Don’t you dare put that around my neck

2006 was a year of heat, fuckups, disasters, panic, and headers. We were awake for about 67% of it [okay, more like 63%], and we have plenty to say about it. We are once again looking back on a year, this time with the bonus ability to look back at the whole thing instead of most of it.

Note: You probably expected us to post this sometime within 2006. We totally reamed you.

GOOBNET 2006 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Deb Harratsch, editor, porthole.goobnet.net

Best Event

ALBERT II reaches the North Pole, SUN 16 APR 2006

Edvard says: The prince of Monaco became the first reigning monarch to visit the North Pole as part of a campaign to raise awareness to the plight of the world’s oceans. Reports say that he did not use the bobsled.

Worst Event

Liquid panic, airline industry

Reg says: “ZOMG we’re all gonna die!!!!” was basically the response of air security agencies to the plot, discovered in AUG 2006, to use liquid or gel explosives on aircraft. Since then, you’ve not been able to take any liquids greater than three ounces through security, and even liquids of that size must be contained within plastic bags of volume one quart or less. Presumably such bags will absorb the shock of the explosion.

Silliest Event

Zinédine ZIDANE headbutts Marco MATERAZZI, 2006 Men’s World Cup final, Berlin, Germany

Edvard says: Did you laugh at this? Of course you did. Even more comically, Materazzi later revealed what happened: after Materazzi spent the whole match tugging at Zidane’s shirt, Zidane finally said, “If you want my shirt, I’ll give it to you afterwards.” Materazzi answered, “I’d prefer your sister.” Still more comically, when Materazzi admitted this, he also admitted that he didn’t even know that Zidane had a sister at all. Imagine if Materazzi hadn’t known that Zidane has a mother.

Best Film

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, United States

Debbie says: Did you laugh at this? Of course you did. We’re already in the planning stages for Borat Sagdiyev’s Internets: The GoobNet Story.

Worst Film

Cars, United States

Deb says: Predictable plot... stereotypical characters... Bob Costas at his most hyper since Baseketball... yep, this one had everything.

Bob Barker Award for Game Show Spectacularity

Bob BARKER, United States

Reg says: Will The Price Is Right collapse without Bob? Probably not: he’s not the only reason the show is popular. To me, the more important question is: What will happen to Barker’s Beauties, Barker’s Bargain Bar, and Barker’s Markers?

Most Ballsalicious Speech

Stephen COLBERT, White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, Washington, DC, USA

Deb says: Did you laugh at this? Of course you did. Someone had to say that George W Bush “believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday.”

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award

David BECKHAM, England

Deb says: Congratulations to the first male winner of the Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award for Excellence in Irrelevance. Dave was made irrelevant at the World Cup and at Real Madrid, and rumours have latterly been flying that he also wants to be made irrelevant at the LA Galaxy.

Best Astronomical Naming

2003 UB₃₁₃ as “136199 Eris”

Reg says: 2003 UB₃₁₃ was nicknamed XENA, who was played by Lucy LAWLESS, represented in Greek mythology by DYSNOMIA, a moon of ERIS, who in Greek mythology represented DISCORD, over the definition of the word PLANET. Someone give Chain Reaction a call.

Worst Astronomical Blunder

Definition of planet, International Astronomical Union general assembly, Prague, Czech Rep

Debbie says: The definition requires that an object be in orbit around the Sun, be in hydrostatic equilibrium, and clear the neighbourhood around its orbit. Unfortunately, only two of these criteria are definable. Just to give you an idea, Wikipedia’s article about the term “clearing the neighbourhood” is currently “in need of attention from an expert on the subject”.

Worst Footballing Blunder

Calciopoli scandal, Italy

Edvard says: Okay, maybe most of these events didn’t take place in 2006, but they came to light in 2006, so we’re going to go with that. By the way, should it surprise anyone that Fiorentina, Lazio, Milan, and Juventus all had their punishments reduced on appeal to the Italian Olympic Committee? That’s how things go in Italy.

‘No Prizes Please, We’re Disappointed at Your Ethical Standards’ Award

Grigori PERELMAN, Russia

Debbie says: He proved the Poincaré Conjecture, one of seven Millennium Prize Problems defined by the Clay Mathematics Institute. He was awarded the Fields Medal – for all practical purposes, the greatest honour in mathematics – but passed it up, even after the International Mathematical Union’s president visited him in St Petersburg and tried for two days to persuade him to accept it. From now on, this is the Grigori Perelman “No Prizes Please, We’re Disappointed at Your Ethical Standards” Award.

Reg says: What if he declines this award too?

Debbie says: Why would he? He can’t possibly be disappointed at GoobNet’s ethical standards.

Reg says: Why’s that?

Debbie says: You can’t be disappointed at something that doesn’t exist.