WEEKLY WHINE

Scientologists need not apply

Hurry! Buy your Galaxy season tickets now!

Nope, too late.

Now that Dave Beckham is joining the Los Angeles Galaxy this season, everyone and their publicist wants to be at a match. What can you be sure of, other than that Drew Carey will be calling all of the newly arrived celebrities posers?

Well, you can be sure that those newly arrived celebrities will be leaving numerous empty seats in the first four months of the MLS season, unless Fabio Capello makes good on his threat to bench Dave for the rest of the Spanish season.

Your hyperinflated tickets will help pay Dave’s reported US$10,000,000 per year contract with the Galaxy, but how do you feel about that? Is he worth the money? Will he make the Galaxy a championship side again? Or will all the flashbulbs blind his teammates? To find out, we examine the GoobNet Mailbox, though we’re going to have to ask you to hold your breath, and if we give the signal, don’t hesitate. Run like hell.

I was hoping Beckham was going to join Milan. I heard we offered him five million euros a year, but he wouldn’t take it. – Cristiano Iliaggio, Milan, Italy

True, but at Milan, he was probably going to run into the same problem with playing time as he has at Real Madrid. At least he can be sure that Frank Yallop will start him frequently.

Beckham is not going to be able to win a footrace against 18 year old players, and he is not going to last more than two years. This is just a waste of money. – Guerrero Galáctico, Valencia, CA, USA

He can still make plays. And wouldn’t you love to see him cross to Alan Gordon?

Yes. – Alan Gordon, Los Angeles, CA, USA

See?

Wow. Can you believe Beckham’s only fourteen years older than I am? I thought he was, like, old old. – Freddy Adu, Salt Lake City, UT, USA

Okay, that’ll have to be it about his age. It’s only hard to remember when he started playing because he started playing at about the same age you did. And he has been quite good with Real Madrid, at least when he has a manager he gets along with.

Ready for a Fastest Finger question about Beckham coming to LA? – Henry Glassie, Wichita, KS, USA

Okay, fine. Let’s have your Fastest Finger question about Beckham coming to LA.

Put these entertainment opportunities for David Beckham in order, starting with the earliest.

1. Cameo in Bend It Like Beckham II
2. Guest judge on Project Runway
3. Reality show with Victoria
4. Guest victim on CSI

– Henry Glassie, Wichita, KS, USA

Done.

Looks like everyone is ready. And here is the right answer, starting with the earliest, and it’s a guest victim on CSI, followed by guest judge on Project Runway, then a cameo in Bend It Like Beckham II, and finally a reality show with Victoria. – Henry Glassie, Wichita, KS, USA

Debbie had our fastest time, at 4.71 seconds.

Beckham’s coming to LA! I just got tickets! I can’t wait! He’s going to be awesome! I have to tell Oprah! Actually, I think she knows already! I can’t wait until we play the Fire! We’re going to beat her team’s ass! I hope she’ll still let me on her couch! – Tommy Cruise, Hollywood, CA, USA

Shut up.