WEEKLY WHINE

This week in nihilism

by Deb Harratsch

This was a great week for nihilism in Washington, DC, USA. It has recently come to light that Dick Cheney, the US vice president, believes that his office is not part of the executive branch of the United States of America.

The vice president’s office reports to the vice president, and the vice president reports to the president. The president is the chief executive, so clearly anyone who reports to the president is part of the executive branch, right?

That’s the non-nihilist’s way to look at things.

According to reports, the Information Security Oversight Office of the National Archives, which has reponsibility over the handling of classified materials in executive agencies, was denied access to the VP’s office beginning in 2003. The ISOO was later told that the VP’s office feels that it is not an “entity within the executive branch that comes into the possession of classified information”.

At first blush, this may appear to be a difficult position for nihilists. If Cheney does not come into the possession of classified information, he cannot do his job. If his office is not within the executive branch, he cannot do his job. Hence we are left with only two possible solutions.

1. Cheney has not been doing his job.
2. The VP’s office is not an entity.

Admittedly, a true nihilist would certainly select the first option. However, if we accept the proposition that Cheney has not been doing his job, the logical conclusion is to impeach him. His staffers clearly decided that this conclusion would have a detrimental effect on their job security.

So, the vice president’s office must now set upon the difficult task of convincing the American people – and Henry Waxman – that it is not an entity.

Merriam-Webster Online defines an entity as “something that has separate and distinct existence and objective or conceptual reality” or “an organization (as a business or governmental unit) that has an identity separate from those of its members”.

Using the latter definition will fail, because it would be absurd for anyone to claim that the Office of the Vice President of the United States must reformulate itself entirely from scratch whenever there is a change in personnel.

Therefore, the VP’s office can only prove that it is not an entity by proving that it has no objective or conceptual reality.

We here at GoobNet do not yet know how the vice president intends to accomplish this.

But we can’t wait to see.