WEEKLY WHINE

Right after this

The GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] is committed to searching for ways to make your life suck less. Therefore, it follows that it should also be committed to searching for ways to make game shows suck less.

Hence, when we watched the first episode of American broadcasting company ABC’s game show Set for Life, after we were done attempting to poke our eyes out, we called an emergency meeting of the GoobNet SPEED and charged them with the task of creating a game show that would fix everything that is wrong with game shows.

Unfortunately, all they came up with is this garbage.

SPORTS GREED

PREMISE: If they’re smart enough, courageous enough, and greedy enough, some sports fans – or just one sports fan – could walk away with over US$2,000,000.

GAMEPLAY: Played identically to Fox’s Greed of 1999-2000, except that all questions are about sports. In addition, instead of cars, team members playing the US$1,000,000 question are offered lifetime tickets to a sporting event of their choice, whether it be the Super Bowl, the World Cup, the Winter Olympics, the Championship at Wimbledon, or Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

SUGGESTED HOST: Chuck Woolery or Charles Barkley.

SAMPLE:

STARING CONTEST LIVE!

PREMISE: At one thousand dollars a second, it’s the richest staring contest in history!

GAMEPLAY: Two competitors stare at one another; the first to break concentration loses. The winner proceeds to the Bonus Stare, with the player earning a thousand dollars for each second he or she is able to last against Conan himself.

SUGGESTED HOST: Conan O’Brien.

SAMPLE: Sorry, Benjamin. It looks like the Paris Hilton impersonator dropping the soap is what did it for you. But you went 38 seconds, and that’s thirty eight thousand dollars. Thanks for playing.

DON’T FALL ASLEEP

PREMISE: Can you stay awake for an entire week? You could win millions of dollars – but one little nap and you’ll lose it all!

GAMEPLAY: A contestant is confined to a room for a week. The room has a coffee maker, a television with hundreds of cable channels, a shelf full of books, a computer with broadband Internet, a telephone with free long distance, and a large inviting bed. The contestant wins money for each 24 hour period completed without falling asleep. When each 24 hour period expires, the contestant decides whether to quit with the money won already or to risk it for another 24 hours.

SUGGESTED HOST: Sean “Diddy” Combs.

SAMPLE: Hey Ryan, wake up! You just lost your shot at four hundred thousand dollars! No, don’t get up. You can take your little nap there for another few minutes, and then we’ll be right back with someone else who will try to win millions here on Don’t Fall Asleep!

WIN A RANDOM AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR DOING PRETTY MUCH NOTHING AT ALL

PREMISE: It’s the only game where you can win a random amount of money for doing pretty much nothing at all!

GAMEPLAY: A contestant walks on stage and wins a random amount of money, from US$1 to US$1,000,000.

SUGGESTED HOST: Vickie Beckham.

SAMPLE: Okay, Sharon. Let’s see what you’ve won. [beepboopboopbeepbeepboopbeepboopboopboopbeep] Forty seven dollars. Interestingly, my husband makes that much money in about .15 seconds of a Galaxy match.