WEEKLY WHINE

Pardon me for not pardoning

George W Bush did not pardon Scooter Libby.

In other news, camels are not dromedaries.

Either way, it’s damn close enough.

Yes, the president of the United States has prevented a good friend from going to prison. This is neither the first nor the last time this will happen, of course. But it does seem odd that Libby’s perjury sentence was, according to Bush, too harsh when, in fact, it was comparable to the sentences received by every other person in the United States who was convicted of perjury.

Obviously, it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that Libby worked so closely with the US vice president, whose office has no objective or conceptual reality. We hoped that our readers would also have no objective or conceptual reality, but unfortunately that is not the case, as the latest contributions that found their way into the GoobNet Mailbox will demonstrate. Remember, if you find yourself with too much exposure to the contents of the GoobNet Mailbox, we will be unable to commute your stay at your local mental hospital.

George W Bush acted fairly and correctly. Scooter Libby’s years of honourable service to the United States should be taken into account.

– Jerry Parknies
Norman, OK, USA

Sorry, but the phrases “honourable service to the United States” and “reporting to Vice President Cheney” are mutually exclusive.

George W Bush acted unfairly and incorrectly. If he thought Scooter Libby’s sentence was overly harsh, why doesn’t he commute my sentence? All I did was steal credit card numbers, and when I was caught, I actually told the jury the truth.

– Juliette Frank
Buckle County Penitentiary, TX, USA

If you would like President Bush to commute your sentence, call 1.889.W.HELP.ME.

According to my understanding of the Constitution of the United States, the President acted honourably, responsibly, and in accordance with all applicable law in commuting Mr Libby’s sentence, which he believed was excessive and unfair.

– Winston Grambowicz
Oldham, ME, USA

Ah, but what if the president’s belief is incorrect?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the decision to commute Libby’s sentence.

– Paul Wolfowitz
Washington, DC, USA

Will anyone who was surprised by that statement please stand.

I know why Bush commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence. Libby knows who leaked Valerie Plame, and he knows all about everything else that has been going on. He was going to come out with everything, and he was just about to write a tell-all book exposing the dirty little secrets about Bush and Cheney’s attempts to undermine the Constitution.

– John Radgers
London, England, UK

Close, but not quite.

Can the American judicial system really be said to be an independent branch of the US government when the president has the authority to increase or decrease sentences at will?

– Jordan G Funtaine
Paris, France

Yes, provided that the president uses this power responsibly and not, for example, as part of a deal wherein a political ally is made to take the fall in federal court for a crime committed by a higher ranking official, in return for which the president commutes the sentence of this political ally to spare him the embarrassment of appearing in a federal PMITA prison.

I’m angry about President Bush’s disregard for the constitutional process. This has done irreparable damage to his reputation as a fair and just ruler.

– Pat Buchanan
Washington, DC, USA

This has not done irreparable damage to President Bush’s reputation as a fair and just ruler, because you can’t do irreparable damage to something that doesn’t exist.

There is a vast left wing conspiracy trying to implicate George W Bush, Dick Cheney, and Scooter Libby for leaking the name of a CIA operative, which was never actually leaked in the first place. It just so happened that Tim Russert guessed correctly. George W Bush can do no wrong, and we are all indebted to him for the fact that we are safe and that we are winning the war on terror. His visionary leadership is cause to put him on Mount Rushmore next to Roosevelt. Actually, forget Roosevelt. Let’s construct a giant Bush head to be placed above all four presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore. We would call it Mount Fourmore, as in “Four more years” for George W Bush, whose signing statements on several recent bills state that the 22nd Amendment doesn’t apply to him.

– Claude Campbell
Charlottesville, VA, USA

Normally, this is the point at which we tell the writer to shut up, but this might merely make you accuse that we here at GoobNet are ourselves part of this vast left wing conspiracy.

Oh, what the hell. Shut up.