WEEKLY WHINE

Administrative notes

by Reginald J Goober

GoobNet, of course, is here to help you with any situation that may arise in your life. But what happens when a problem arises at GoobNet? The answer may surprise you.

The answer is: Problems never arise at GoobNet. They just appear suddenly without any warning and shock us all. That’s why I’m announcing the following changes at GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however], effective immediately.

NODE REALIGNMENT

We will be rearranging the sequence of nodes here at GoobNet. SnakeBall and Commitment to Space are due to be retired, because nothing ever happened there.

PORTHOLE.GOOBNET.NET EDITOR

We are currently seeking a new editor for porthole.goobnet.net. If you think you have what it takes to make insensitive remarks about all the silly and stupid things that are on the web, please let us know at <porthole‍@‍goobnet.net>.

SILLY BONUS

From this moment forward, the GoobNet Silly Bonus is worth 8,192 GoobNet Silly Bucks rather than 4,096. The qualifying procedure for the Silly Bonus is also changing. Previously, one qualified for the Silly Bonus by finding six consecutive Laugh Marks. The new procedure is as follows:

1. Find four consecutive Laugh Marks.
2. You can then opt to accept 512 Silly Bucks to forfeit your chance at the Silly Bonus. If you accept, your consecutive Laugh Mark total will be reset to zero.
3. If you decide to continue, you must then find three consecutive Laugh Marks to qualify for the Silly Bonus.

Once qualified, the method for earning the GoobNet Silly Bonus remains unchanged.

WHINE TASTING

From this moment forward, GoobNet Whine Tasting is discontinued. We thank all those who have participated in the past but regret that participation was not as high as we had hoped.

SUPER FACTUAL ERROR

From this moment forward, one of the many factual errors here on GoobNet has been designated the Super Factual Error. The first reader to find it will win 65,536 GoobNet Silly Bucks.

HYPERSPEED DATING

GoobNet Hyperspeed Dating will resume in JUL 2008. Our popular feature in which a newly created couple can win an exciting GoobNet prize package and many other gifts for the newly partnered is returning with an all new set of participants. This time, you will have the opportunity to submit your favourite pairings. More information about the new season of GoobNet Hyperspeed Dating will be presented at a later date.

VOMITOMETRY

From this moment forward, if you witness vomitation of someone who is reading GoobNet, we want to know! Send your images to us here at GoobNet, along with a description of the circumstances. If your contribution helps us improve the Vomitometer, you could win up to 16,384 GoobNet Silly Bucks!

EMPTY ROUND

From this moment forward, you can play a new, exciting bonus game called the GoobNet Empty Round! The rules are simple. If you have earned no GoobNet Silly Bucks and have never found any special space on GoobNet, you are automatically qualified for the Empty Round, which proceeds as follows.

1. Visit GoobNet.
2. View a page that contains the word empty [other than this one, of course].
3. Your Empty Round will then begin and last for thirty minutes.
4. If, within that time, you can find a page anywhere on the web that has an empty <b> or <i> HTML tag and that you have never visited, seen, or heard of, you’re a winner!

The Empty Round is worth 16,384 GoobNet Silly Bucks on the first win and increases by that amount on each successive win.

Once again, thank you for participating here at GoobNet. Please let me know at <reg‍@‍goobnet.net> if you know of any other ways that we could improve your GoobNet experience.