WEEKLY WHINE

Dubai remains mostly harmless

As you know, in all walks of life, the primary criterion whenevery anybody makes any sort of decision whatsoever is money. Football is exactly the same. That’s why England’s Premier League proposed adding another match to the league schedule, which would be held in other countries. And that’s also why the proposal was shot down: the other countries didn’t want England’s money.

But what would have happened?

YOKOHAMA, JPN

» SAT 22 JAN 2011: West Ham United-Charlton Athletic

In the first match of what local organisers would bill as the Super Happy English Visit for Honour and Friendship, the Hammers would meet the Addicks. Indecisive Japanese supporters would fly banners proclaiming “I’m a Hamaddick”, which global media would assume was a misspelling of “Hamaddict”.

Result: West Ham 00-00 Charlton

» SUN 23 JAN 2011: Arsenal-Sunderland

Just-promoted Sunderland would take on defending champions Arsenal, who would have just signed ten year old Shinseki Tomio of Niigata. Throngs would flock to the stadium just to see a glimpse of the youth who would have shot to fame thanks to his Youtube videos of goals scored from behind the goal. Though he would not be allowed to play, he would sit on the bench and wave to the cameras.

Result: Arsenal 03-01 Sunderland

PHILADELPHIA, PA, USA

» SAT 22 JAN 2011: Manchester United-Wigan Athletic

Man Utd and Wigan would both have spent several days in the Philadelphia area performing charity work. Many of the players also would have taken the opportunity to run up the steps of the Museum of Art, though a number of them would have been surprised that they could not do the whole thing at full speed. The players concerned would then have cancelled their trips to Pat’s or Geno’s the following day.

Result: Man Utd 04-00 Wigan

» SUN 23 JAN 2011: Aston Villa-Stoke City

Philadelphia would have had reservations about scheduling these matches for the same weekend as the NFL’s conference championships, but luckily for all concerned, the Eagles will take a chance on Michael Vick in 2010 and will end up last in their division. The locals would show clear support for Stoke City throughout the match; after the match, reporters would ask exiting fans why that was. One person from South Philly would sum up the general feeling: “Everyone said Aston Villa were the Villains.”

Result: Aston Villa 02-00 Stoke

SYDNEY, NSW, AUS

» SAT 22 JAN 2011: Liverpool-Hull City

In only their second season in the English top flight, Hull City would look forward to their appearance on the global stage. The players and staff, along with their families, would fill up an entire aircraft and would spend their time in Sydney seeing and doing everything they can think of. The Reds, by contrast, would be very familiar with overseas travel and would not take the time to enjoy their surroundings. When the match ends, they would wish they had.

Result: Liverpool 01-03 Hull City

» SUN 23 JAN 2011: Portsmouth-Reading

The Royals would be disappointed at not being drawn to visit Philadelphia, hometown of longtime Reading player Bobby Convey. Nonetheless, Portsmouth’s goalkeeper, Peter Hendrickson, will do a good Australian accent, and his teammates would briefly try to convince the local press that he is in fact a native of New South Wales instead of old south Wales. The match itself would not live up to the hype, most of which concerned the 2007 match between the same two clubs that was the highest scoring match in Premiership history.

Result: Portsmouth 00-01 Reading

DUBAI, UAE

» SAT 22 JAN 2011: Blackburn-Burnley

As soon as the fixtures are drawn, headlines around the world would read “BURN-DUBAI-BURN”. The emir of Dubai would hastily arrange a press conference to reassure the world that, despite the teams’ names, the match will be perfectly safe. Sure enough, it would turn out perfectly safe.

Result: Blackburn 03-03 Burnley

» SUN 23 JAN 2011: Everton-Queens Park Rangers

Ironically, this match would not turn out perfectly safe, as when QPR’s Ryan Blacksey scores the first goal in the 86th minute, a startled reporter would drop his lighter and start a small fire in the press box.

Result: Everton 00-02 QPR

BANGKOK, THA

» SAT 22 JAN 2011: Middlesbrough-Bolton Wanderers

Both clubs would conduct skill clinics for Thai youth in the days before the match. At a question and answer session, Bolton manager Kevin Davies would be asked why the club has a double helix of DNA in its badge. He would be unable to explain that satisfactorily.

Result: Middlesbrough 01-01 Bolton

» SUN 23 JAN 2011: Chelsea-Newcastle United

Two of England’s most storied clubs would visit Bangkok for this match, widely considered the best of the International Round. The first place Blues would enter the match filled with confidence against the disappointing Magpies side. However, Newcastle would strike first and would maintain the momentum until midway through the second half. Then, a brilliant change by Chelsea manager Avram Grant would turn things around. Normal centre back John Terry would be replaced by the young Brad Sandpepper, who would score one goal and assist on two others to earn the win. After the match, Terry would induct Sandpepper into Chelsea’s “I Don’t Know Who You Are, But I’m Filled with a Sudden Urge to Buy Your Jersey” club.

Result: Chelsea 04-02 Newcastle