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WEEKLY WHINE

Whose opening ceremony is it anyway

Deb: Hello, everyone. As you know, sometimes we here at GoobNet get together to do something vaguely resembling Whose Line Is It Anyway. We will not be doing that, but we will be doing a couple of games about the opening ceremony for the 2008 Summer Olympics. Edvard and Debbie are here with me, so let’s get right to it. Our first game is called Number of Brushstrokes. We’re going to do a scene, but everything we say has to be writable, in Chinese, with a certain number of brushstrokes. No more, no less.

Debbie: You’re not bloody serious, are you?

Deb: No, I’m not. It’s really Ninety Second Alphabet. We’ll do a scene, and we have to – each line we say has to start with the next letter of the alphabet. Starting with which letter?

Some Guy in the Front: M!

Deb: M. Starting with M. And our scene is, we’re three spectators being awed by the opening ceremony. So let’s get going.

Debbie: My word, that’s a lot of drummers.

Edvard: No fewer than 2,008, I heard.

Deb: Oh really?

Debbie: Pow! Pow pow pow-pow-pow! Look at all those fireworks!

Deb: Quite a lot of fireworks.

Edvard: Rrrrrrr... Roger Ebert would surely give this ceremony two thumbs up.

Deb: So he would, Edvard. So he would.

Debbie: [pointing] Taikonauts!

Edvard: Where? Oh, I mean... um... Unbelieveable!

Debbie: Verily.

Edvard: Where?

Deb: Xanadu, perhaps?

Edvard: Yeah, right. There’s no such place.

Debbie: [pointing] Zimbabwe!

Deb: [pointing] Afghanistan!

Edvard: Brushstrokabetical order is really confusing.

Debbie: Confusing indeed.

Deb: Debbie, you’re not easily confused.

Debbie: Edvard is.

Edvard: Funny. Very funny.

Deb: Great job, Beijing!

Edvard: Hell of a job, Beijing!

Debbie: I think this is the best opening ceremony ever.

Edvard: Justin Timberlake would think so too.

Deb: Killer performance by the Chinese, I would say.

Edvard: Look, that gymnast is lighting the cauldron!

Debbie: Many, many fireworks!

Deb: Bzzzzt! Bzzzzzzzzzt! Good work. That was good. We all get a thousand points. We’ll do Quick Change now. This is for Debbie and me, and Edvard will be over there by the side. Debbie and I will do a scene, but whenever Edvard says “Change”, we’ll have to change what we just said as fast as we can. Edvard, what’s the scene?

Edvard: Deb and Debbie, you are two members of the Beijing organising committee coming up with ideas for the opening ceremony.

Deb: Hi Debbie. Ready to come up with an awesome ceremony?

Debbie: I sure am. I’ve got my Portfolio of Ideas right here.

Edvard: Change.

Debbie: I’ve got my Folder of Facts.

Edvard: Change.

Debbie: I’ve got my Binder of Moral Certitude.

Edvard: Change.

Debbie: I’ve got a picture of Rita Moreno.

Deb: I’m sure that will come in very handy.

Debbie: Okay, let’s get to it. Last time we agreed that we should honour China’s printing history in some way. Have you got any ideas?

Deb: I was thinking we could have a bunch of big printer-style blocks that would move up and down and form patterns.

Debbie: What sort of patterns?

Deb: Well, they could make the Chinese characters for “harmony”.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: They could make a giant toaster.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: They could make cookies for everyone.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: They could make a teapot filled with green tea, with steam escaping from the spout, sitting on a mat of –

Edvard: Change.

Deb: A life-size representation of Jay Leno’s chin.

Debbie: Okay. I think we’ve got plenty of great ideas. There are just a couple more things to take care of. The order of the parade of nations. Usually it’s alphabetical, but of course, we’re speaking Chinese right now, and we don’t have an alphabet. So what order should they be in instead?

Deb: How about by number of athletes?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: How about by number of times they’ve won the Miss Universe pageant?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Loudness of the athletes?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: George W Bush’s approval ratings?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Performance in the single sculls?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Best tasting chocolates?

Edvard: Change!

Deb: Best tasting beers?

Edvard: Change!

Deb: Best tasting chocolate-flavoured beers?

Edvard: Change!

Deb: Best tasting athletes’ cum?

Debbie: What?!

Edvard: Bzzzzzzt! Bzzt-bzzt-bzzt-bzzzzt! Bzzzzzzt-bzzt-bzzt-bzzt!

Deb: Oh my god. I can’t believe I said that.

Debbie: Good job we’re not on broadcast television in the US.

Edvard: Yeah. They wouldn’t be able to bleep fast enough.

Debbie: Lots of people don’t like Quick Change.

Edvard: I think it’s great.

Debbie: I like it too.

Deb: Speaking of games that lots of people like... let’s do a Hoedown.

Edvard: Must we?

Deb: And we need a suggestion for someone you’d like to have seen at the opening ceremony.

Some Girl in the Left Centre: Yao Ming!

Deb: Yao Ming was there, dipshit. Somebody who wasn’t there, but should have been.

Audience: Angelina Jolie! Victoria Beckham! Angelina Jolie! Howie Mandel!

Deb: Howie Mandel. Sounds great. Rachael Wright, let’s get going with the Howie Mandel Hoedown.

Rachael: [plays hoedown]

Debbie: Hey there China, I’ve got a great big bank offer,
A new chapter o’history that you all can author.
Millions of tourists to Beijing, hope you’ll keep it real,
What d’you say, China? Deal or no deal?

Deb: Dammit! There goes my rhyme!

Debbie: Sorry!

Deb: We’re now playing an international game!
Mbeki here has picked case nineteen.
One hundred billion! A really bad omen.
Wait, you’re from Zimbabwe. That’s a nickel American!

Edvard: Hello China. Want to meet my friends?
They’ve all got cases – you can see through your lens.
The biggest thing you’ve ever seen since Now and Laters,
And they cum in twenty six flavours!

All: Twen-ty six flav-ooooours!

Deb: All right, we’re wrapping things up before we get our asses sued. Thanks for joining us, everyone! See you next time!

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