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WEEKLY WHINE

What’s your party?

When it comes to your political leanings, are you a gun toting, government shrinking, free living, market loving rule hater? Or are you a nonintervening, border closing, love hating hardliner? Or are you a tree hugging, government participating, nonviolent, decentralised respecter? Answer these ten questions to determine which major US third party is right for you.

1. Your friend calls you and says that he was mugged in the park. You tell him, “If I find that guy, I’ll...”:

“...Explain to him how that only ends up hurting him and his larger community in the long term.”

“...Shoot him with my concealed handgun, which the government can pry out of my cold, dead hands.”

“...Ensure that the state incarcerates him for a lengthy period of time, and possibly argue in favour of giving him a death sentence.”

2. Your girlfriend tells you that she was sexually attracted to Jamie Lynn Spears when she was pregnant. You:

Leave her and tell her family that she’s a sick gay preggo loving pædophile.

Admit which American Gladiator you have the hots for.

Tell her that you’ll understand if she decides to leave you for that hot teenage mother down the street.

3. If Sen Barack Obama becomes the next president of the United States, you’ll:

Celebrate the death of laissez-faire economics.

Bemoan the death of laissez-faire economics.

Ask what laissez-faire economics were.

4. If Sen John McCain becomes the next president of the United States, you’ll:

Be afraid that he won’t say “And may god bless America” at the end of his speeches.

Take pictures of your nearest coastline so you can remember what it looked like before all the offshore oil rigs.

Buy EADS stock.

5. In your opinion, this presidential campaign in the US has been:

Too long.

Too organised.

Too aggressive.

6. When someone asks you if you watch CNN or Fox News, you say:

“Neither. Those guys on Fox News are way too liberal for me.”

“Neither. Those guys on CNN are way too conservative for me.”

“Neither. I reject the traditional left/right dichotomy espoused by both those news organisations.”

7. You oppose the use of troops in Iraq because:

It’s far away.

It’s expensive.

You’re against the use of violence, except in specific cases when they totally started it.

8. When you heard that Gov Sarah Palin has an unwed pregnant teenage daughter, you:

Laughed.

Laughed a lot.

Wondered who gives a shit.

9. You discover that your best friend entered the US illegally. You say:

“Dude, who cares? This land is totally your land.”

“Get the fuck out! This land is totally my land!”

“Whose land is it, anyway?”

10. Your living will states that if you are in a coma with no hope of recovery, you want them to:

Pull the plug.

Just leave you there, without even calling an ambulance.

Keep you “alive” indefinitely until Jesus touches your forehead and makes you walk again, though you’ll settle for Billy Graham.

Error: Answer all ten questions

Your score is . Your party is the:

LIBERTARIAN PARTY

You don’t need government telling you what to do. You don’t need people in Washington, your state capital, your county seat, or even your homeowners association making decisions about your life. If you want to build a fifty story office block in your backyard, that’s your right. And if the neighbours complain that the employees who work in that office block are working odd hours and parking in their yards because you didn’t provide parking within the complex, what the hell can they do about it?

CONSTITUTION PARTY

You don’t need government taking your hard earned money. You don’t need people in Washington making decisions about your life, unless of course those decisions come from a religious text. And even then, it should be a good religious text, not one of those crappy ones like whatever the hell those A-rabs read. You trust the people in your state capital to make good decisions concerning everyone in your state, regardless of how diverse your state actually is.

GREEN PARTY

You don’t need government acting without consulting you personally. You don’t need people in Washington or your state capital making decisions about your life. If the government is going to take your money, it should do so fairly, accountably, and with as small an impact as possible. You want everyone to work together to act in a responsible manner, even those who are antisocial.

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