WEEKLY WHINE
Are you sick of all that High School Musical shit?
If not, go see the latest movie a few hundred times, and then come back. We’ll wait.
Ready? Okay. Know how everybody is so obsessed with those movies, even though they portray an idealised form of high school to which no actual high schoolers can relate? Well, we here at GoobNet thought it was high time that someone portray a realistic form of high school to which all actual high schoolers can relate. Therefore, we are now prepared to pitch High School GoobNetical.
Two high school students fall in love as they rehearse for their roles in the school play, only to be separated when the boy has to repeat the sophomore year and the girl is expelled.
Public High School #774, Brooklyn, NY, USA.
Marcus: The boy. Letters in basketball, lacrosse, and baseball. Has just begun experimenting with various illegal drugs, including alcohol [which is illegal for someone his age] and marijuana. Lives with his father, stepmother, sister, and stepsisters. Gets straight As – but only in physical education.
Felicia: The girl. Has just transferred to 774 from 696, where she burned bridges [literally – she set fire to the pedestrian overpass] on her way out. Avid writer: her best work, in her opinion, is a speculative fiction work called “The New Civil War: How I Helped the Black Community Take Back the South”. Lives with five cousins, of whom she is the oldest. Gets straight As in everything but physical education.
Luke: Another boy. Friends with Marcus. The smart one in Marcus’s bunch, although that’s charitable.
Will: Another boy. Friends with Marcus. The boring one in Marcus’s bunch.
Stefan: Another boy. Friends with Marcus. Has fucked at least half the girls in the sophomore class and keeps detailed notes on each encounter.
Karen: Another girl. Friends with Felicia. One of only five virgins in the sophomore class.
Nellie: Another girl. Is in most of Felicia’s classes, isn’t really friends with her, but is completely in love with her.
Mr Campbell: Drama teacher and director of the school play. Is sleeping with four students.
At the home of a Public High School #774 alum, a Halloween party rages. The alum has purchased a great deal of alcoholic drinks, which the current high school students in attendance are consuming with wild abandon. Marcus, dressed as Morpheus, meets Felicia, dressed as the Oracle. The two hit it off, but when Felicia invites him to an upstairs bedroom, Marcus surprises himself by suggesting that they take it slow. Felicia, not impressed with this idea, turns it into a big argument.
Two weeks before the Christmas break, Felicia transfers to 774 and ends up in the same homeroom as Marcus. The two say hello every day, but it is not until January, and the school’s annual Dress Like a Matrix Character Day, that they finally realise that they met at the Halloween party.
Meanwhile, by the Christmas break, Nellie has realised that she is in love with Felicia. Nellie spends the entire break hiding in her bedroom drawing pictures of Felicia. Most of them depict Felicia as various types of furries.
One week after Dress Like a Matrix Character Day, Nellie finally engages Felicia in conversation and asks if Felicia has ever done it. Felicia says that she has. She further adds that she has not yet done it with anyone from this school, though she totally wants to with Marcus. Nellie then asks if Felicia has ever done it with a girl. Felicia is weirded out.
Felicia signs up for an audition for the school play, The Wiz. Upon hearing this, Marcus also signs up. When the auditions roll around, the two blow so hard that Mr Campbell casts them as scenery. Marcus blames Felicia for making him look bad.
In the ensuing weeks, Marcus’s friends advise him against sleeping with Felicia, Luke and Will because they believe she is a psycho bitch, Stefan because he thinks she’ll be terrible in bed. Meanwhile, Karen advises Felicia against sleeping with Marcus, because she is jealous that Felicia has found someone so quick, whereas Karen has known her classmates since grade school and still can’t get any guy to notice her.
Felicia and Marcus avoid each other for several weeks, but at another party, the two collide with each other near the bathroom. Marcus is about to apologise to Felicia when she suddenly kisses him and drags him into a bedroom. Despite Felicia’s shock at Marcus’s inadequacy, the two have sex.
Felicia and Marcus then decide to try to get better parts in the play. Mr Campbell initially refuses to allow them another audition. Marcus tries to bribe Mr Campbell, without success. Felicia then threatens to tell the entire school about the students with whom Mr Campbell is sleeping. Mr Campbell acquiesces immediately and casts Felicia as Diana Ross and Marcus as Nipsey Russell.
One week before the play premieres, Felicia receives a call in the middle of her English class. One of her cousins tells her that another has gone missing. Felicia immediately bolts out of the classroom and heads home, forgetting that she was in the middle of a presentation and that she is dressed as Jordan from The Great Gatsby. The missing cousin is eventually found in a department store shopping for a toaster.
Still stressed from the temporary disappearance of her cousin, Felicia is confronted by Nellie the following day after school. Nellie says that she has never been kissed and asks to kiss Felicia to find out what it is like. Felicia kisses Nellie briefly, but Nellie insists that Felicia give her a French kiss, as a guy would. Felicia reluctantly agrees, but when Nellie gropes her breasts, Felicia is enraged and shoves her away. Felicia leaves without noticing that Nellie has struck her head against a pipe.
The night before the premiere, Marcus discovers a chancre on his penis. He says nothing to anyone until the second half of the play, when “Ease On Down the Road #3” is interrupted by Marcus’s accusation that Felicia gave him syphilis. The two trade accusations and threats, in song form, until they engage in a stage clearing brawl.
The following day, in separate meetings with the principal, Marcus is told that he has failed three classes and must repeat the sophomore year, whilst Felicia is told that Nellie has received irreversible brain damage and will never be able to say any word longer than “Yahtzee”. Felicia agrees to leave Brooklyn entirely, in return for which Nellie’s parents will not press charges.
Setting: High school auditorium, empty except for Mr Campbell, Marcus, and Felicia.
Mr Campbell: If you really wanted parts in this musical, you could have prepared better for the audition.
Marcus: Look, Mr Campbell, I have a friend who might change your mind. Allow me to introduce you to Mr Jackson.
[Marcus hands a bill to Mr Campbell.]
Mr Campbell: For one thing, I won’t take a bribe. For another, this is Mr Lincoln.
Marcus: Well, that’s worth more, then!
[Felicia rolls her eyes.]
Felicia: Mr Campbell, I’ve got a better idea. How about you give us good roles, and we destroy all the evidence we have of the girls you’re taking home with you.
Mr Campbell: How do you know about that? All right, fine. What do you want? Dorothy? Tin Man? I’ll write you in. Just a second.
[Exit Mr Campbell.]
Marcus: [whispering] Who are those girls? How did you know?
Felicia: [whispering] I was just guessing. I mean, doesn’t he seem like a total perv?
Marcus: [whispering] Yeah, he does.
Setting: Department store, appliance section. Kyla, Felicia’s cousin, is there. Enter, hurriedly, Felicia and another cousin, Shaun.
Felicia: Omigod baby, there you are! We were so worried about you!
[Felicia picks up Kyla in a hug.]
Kyla: Why?
Felicia: Shaun called me at school today. He said you’d gone missing! Did you just run off without telling anyone?
Kyla: Yeah.
Felicia: Why?
Kyla: To get a toaster.
Felicia: Why, sweetie? We already have a toaster.
Kyla: Yeah, but it sucks. It keeps burning one side and leaving the other side white.
[Shaun laughs.]
Felicia: Well, why didn’t you just ask us to get a new toaster?
Kyla: Why are you wearing that? Is it Dress Like Natalie Gulbis Day at school today?
Shut the Fuck Up: Marcus and Felicia
Loose Balls: Marcus
Holy Shit, That Was You: Marcus and Felicia
Why Can’t I Admit (To the Girl I Love That I Love Her and Want to Take Her to California and Get Married Legally, and In a Hurry Because Fucking Prop 8 Is About to Take Effect, Thanks a Lot You Fucking California Chickenshit Pussies): Nellie
I Really Hate Singing (Yeah, I Can Tell): Felicia and Marcus
I Can Predict What Kind of Lay She’ll Be: Stefan, Marcus, Luke, and Will
You Call That a Prick?!: Felicia and Marcus
Doesn’t He Seem Like a Total Perv: Felicia and Marcus
Shut the Fuck Up (Reprise): Marcus and Felicia, with entire cast
Marcus and Felicia will continue their story in High School GoobNetical 2: Who Are Bonnie and Clyde? and High School GoobNetical 3: Revenge of Nellie.
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