WEEKLY WHINE

Drop, cover, hold on

Last week, Southern California held an earthquake drill. By all accounts, residents of Southern California performed admirably. They knew what to do, and they didn’t panic. We can tell because there were no “omg im panicking lol!!!!” text messages being sent from the scene of the simulated earthquake.

But what is it like to simulate an earthquake? Do you have to hop up and down and then wobble from side to side? Do you wear fake blood and lay on the ground? Do you act as though nothing happened and then tell your friends, “Dude, what the hell? It was just a 7.8.”?

To find out, we asked our readers who live in the Southern California to tell us their stories about the Great California Shakeout. You can find those stories right here in the GoobNet Mailbox. But remember to drop, cover, and hold on to your keyboard.

I thought it was a lot of fun. My classmates and I crowded under our desks for two minutes, and then a couple of kids in a different class pretended that they were hurt. But I think they went a little overboard. They pretended that they were hurt again the next day.

– Miguel Constanta
Garden Grove, CA, USA

They might have actually been hurt. Sometimes even Carlos Ruiz gets hurt.

As an officer with the LAPD, I am pleased with my colleages’ response to the Great California Shakeout. Our officers stuck to the plan and kept everyone calm.

– Sgt Louise Redd, LAPD
Los Angeles, CA, USA

Great.

It’s a good thing we held this drill. I forgot to cover. I just dropped and held on. One of my friends said that a ceiling tile would have fallen on my head. He said it would have been so funny.

– Marcel Guevara
San Dimas, CA, USA

At least you now know what to do next time: Say to your friend, “Dude, what the fuck?”

I think this earthquake drill went a little far. Some guys came by and told me that my house was simulatedly damaged in the simulated earthquake, and that there was a simulated gas leak. So I was all, “Simulated whatever,” and then a few minutes later they came again and said that the simulated gas leak made my house simulatedly explode, and I was simulatedly dead. So they told me not to eat anything for the rest of the day, because dead people don’t eat food. So I was all, “You mean simulated food. Simulatedly dead people don’t eat simulated food. But I’m really alive, so I can eat real food.” And they were all, “Do you hear something? It couldn’t be Charlee, because she’s dead.” And I was all, “Fuck you, you stupid pricks,” and I totally kicked them in the nuts. I bet they won’t be killing anybody in an earthquake drill any time soon. Anyway, long story short, I had some tacos that night.

– Charlee Semeroi
Torrance, CA, USA

At least you now know what to do next time: Work on that punchline.

In this earthquake drill, I learned so much. I learned how important it is to keep bottled water. I learned about emergency radios. I learned about emergency gas shutoff valves. I even learned that my wife has a fantasy about being rescued by a firefighter. So I’m going to become a firefighter.

– Steven J Hookes
Reseda, CA, USA

You two have fun there.

Earthquakes are fun!

– Kathy Gresse-Baker
Sylmar, CA, USA

You don’t seem to have learned the right lesson from the Great California Shakeout.

If the Big One does in fact hit southern California soon, how will it affect GoobNet?

– Josephine Sellesmeller
Palmdale, CA, USA

It won’t. Our backup sarcasm generators are located in a secure facility thousands of kilometres away that will instantly spring into action if there is any disruption in our service.

My brother and I patrolled our area during the Shakeout. We found nearly two hundred homes that don’t meet earthquake safety standards. And that was just in a couple of hours, and just a couple of guys who have no formal training in earthquake safety inspections. It shocked us, but in one home we found a stick of butter that wasn’t properly secured in an approved butter containment device. Who knows how much damage that stick of butter could cause in an actual earthquake.

– Lou Helisworse
Covina, CA, USA

At least you now know what to do next time: Shut up.