WEEKLY WHINE

Privileged executives

There is much going on in the world. That means that you should make plans to be elsewhere.

If, for whatever reason, you cannot be elsewhere or simply choose not to be elsewhere, you may want to remain familiar with the latest information about the stuff that is going on in the world. You can do that with the help of the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, which you currently have access to unless you are a person whose body functions. Here are some of the major stories being covered by the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, each of which has a large animated graphic, perhaps with sound effects such as “boing”, “aaooogah”, and “They should really use monkeys for this”.

THE OBAMA INAUGURATION
“I do solemnly swear to do the opposite of what Bush would do”

GAZA CEASEFIRE
The shooting will resume when morale improves

FLIGHT US1549’S WATER LANDING
And that’s why you listen to the safety announcement

INDIA-PAKISTAN SITUATION
Soon to be a major international crisis... again

PIRACY IN THE GULF OF ADEN
How much longer “arrr” the attacks going to continue?

WORLDWIDE ECONOMIC COLLAPSE
When dollars don’t make “cents”

CONFICKER VIRUS SPREADS
Oh noes I broke teh Internets!!!!!

GENERIC POPULAR CULTURE AWARD SHOW SUMMARY
Select category: music, films, television, most pointless celebrity feud, other