WEEKLY WHINE

Of homomatrimophobia and hickeys

In 2008, a number of things happened. Some of them should have been banned from happening, and some of them should have been required to happen. As usual, it is our job to discern the different types of things that happened.

Note: 2008 may be over already, but that just means that it’s over.

GOOBNET 2008 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Deb Harratsch, GoobNet managing editor
• Amber Lynn, junior contributor
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Rich Stencove, chair, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Event

Election of Barack OBAMA as president, United States

Amber Lynn says: Yes, other countries have made similar strides by electing female or minority leaders. But the US has a complex racial history, and so the first black president of the US was always going to be a hugely important event for the entire planet.

Worst Event

Passing of Proposition 8, California, United States

Amber Lynn says: But at the same time, voters in California decided that the “change we need” doesn’t include putting an end to the fear of granting equal rights to homosexual couples. [We need a word for that. Homomatrimophobia?] The legal battle over gay marriage led to an electoral battle, which has led right into another legal battle over whether a simple majority is enough to amend the state constitution, not to mention whether it violates the Equal Protection Clause of the US Constitution.

Silliest Event

Breakage of the Large Hadron Collider, Switzerland

Deb says: The LHC had begun testing just a week earlier, but it ran into difficulty when some of the superconducting coils were suddenly quenched, leading to a sudden rise in the magnets’ temperatures and causing a liquid helium leak. Ever since, the LHC has been down for repairs.

Most Naturally Disastrous Month

MAY 2008

Rich says: Cyclone Nargis hit Myanmar on SAT 03 MAY 2008, and the Wenchuan earthquake hit China PR on MON 12 MAY 2008. Between them, these two events killed some two hundred thousand people. The two nations’ responses were characteristic of their respective governments’ current philosophies: the junta in Myanmar allowed in very little foreign aid, whilst China PR permitted international aid and open media coverage.

Kate Winslet Award for Most Fluctuative Quantity

Price of crude oil

Amber Lynn says: Yay, gasoline is cheap again! We don’t have to worry about alternative fuels any more! Wait, what? Enviro-who?

Bob Barker Award for Game Show Spectacularity

Million Dollar Password, United States

Deb says: Eliminating puzzles and alternation between teams, as well as making every round a speed round, were jarring changes that many fans of classic Password didn’t like. Well, this isn’t classic Password. It’s something different and, in its way, just as good. The only downsides are the sound effect whenever Regis Philbin says the words “One million dollars!” and the fact that Betty White has lost a step. [Sorry, Betty, but it’s true. There was a time when you would have gotten hickey right away.]

Worst New Game Show

Amne$ia, United States

Deb says: Dennis Miller hosted this programme, in which people were asked questions about their own history [what did your parents’ doormat look like, who showed up at your tenth birthday party, ...]. Of course, that means viewers at home can’t play along and don’t care. Dishonourable mention to Opportunity Knocks, which was the same thing with families; and How Much Is Enough, which crammed five minutes of action into a thirty minute programme.

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award for Excellence in Irrelevance

Brett FAVRE, United States

Rich says: ESPN and various other television stations provided a large amount of coverage of this man, an American footballer whose best years are behind him, whose “retirement” was long known to be a sham, and whose move to the New York Jets was indeed helpful for the latter team though not nearly as monumental as it was made out to be.

Most Ironic Grandchild

Tripp JOHNSTON, United States

Edvard says: The son of Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, Tripp must forever labour under the shadow of his public gestation and birth. Gov Palin, temporarily forgetting that she is in favour of denying this choice to all, made a public announcement that Bristol would keep the child.

Most Ironic Political Scandal

Rod BLAGOJEVICH, United States

Edvard says: Barely a month after being elected on a promise of change, Sen Barack Obama discovered that in Illinois, not much at all has changed. State governor Blagojevich was arrested and charged with attempting to sell Sen Obama’s vacated seat in the US Senate.

‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

End of feudalism, Sark, United Kingdom

Edvard says: Sark, part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey, is in the midst of attempting a radical form of government. Instead of allocating seats in the Chief Pleas by hereditary right, it is transitioning to a rare, untested scheme in which ordinary people fill out pieces of paper [“ballots”] in a complex procedure [“election”], and whichever eligible people [“candidates”] have the most ballots filled out in their favour [“votes”] win the government seats available. From this point forward, this award shall be known as the Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism “Well, It’s About Fucking Time” Award.

Heath Ledger Memorial ‘Why So Serious?’ Award for Excellence in Satire

Larry WILMORE, United States

Rich says: The Daily Show’s treatment of US race issues in 2008 was at award level throughout the year [except during the Writers Guild of America strike], but after Sen Barack Obama’s historic speech about US race issues on TUE 18 MAR 2008, Jon Stewart and Larry Wilmore had a groundbreaking discussion on the subject, featuring the immortal line that sums up race issues in the United States: “Oh, you mean when your ancestors chose to come here”.