WEEKLY WHINE

Unemployed bulls

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If you do not have your television tuned to the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, you must be using your television to view programming broadcast to you live via satellite by someone other than GoobNet. Either that, or the economic fuckup has caused you to be unable to afford to view the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. In that case, you should find your rich neighbour who can afford to view the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network and make cookies for him, her, or it.

If the economic fuckup has caused you to be unable to afford the electricity or natural gas required to make cookies, simply storm your local bank and demand that they loan you the money required to pay for the electricity or natural gas required to make cookies. Then make the cookies for your rich neighbour who can afford to view the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. By following this foolproof plan, you will be able to view the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, on which you will see excellent coverage of the following major stories.

MOUNT REDOUBT ERUPTIONS
Thank you for not producing pyroclastic flows

MANZANARES EL REAL CANCELS BULLFIGHT
Seriously, no bull

LIQUID WATER ON MARS?
Take a hike, sublimation

RED RIVER FLOODING
This story isn’t funny

WIND POWERED SPEED RECORD
But this one is

STS-119 SUCCESS
They’ve got the power – more of it than in recent years, anyway

WPS KICKS OFF
Aly, put down that Twitter machine and go warm up!

NOVA REACH FINAL FOUR
Newshour with Jim Lehrer fails to advance