WEEKLY WHINE

The NFL: ARRRGH!

We here at GoobNet are pleased to announce the continuation of the GoobNet Agency for Reintroducing Relegation to Recreational Game Hierarchies’ [formerly the GoobNet Relegatory Agency] effort to implement relegation in all major North American professional sports. Here we present relegation in the National Football League.

Note that in coming years, several minor American football leagues are planned to be introduced. Should any of these take hold as a minor professional league, the GoobNet Agency for Reintroducing Relegation to Recreational Game Hierarchies will introduce them into the relegation structure at the appropriate time.

Since 2002, the NFL has had 32 teams, divided equally into two conferences that are themselves divided equally into four divisions. At the completion of a sixteen game regular season, the winners of each division, as well as the next two best teams in each conference, advance to the playoffs.

2009

Under the GoobNet Agency for Reintroducing Relegation to Recreational Game Hierarchies’ plan, 2009 is the last season of a single league NFL. At the end of the season, the bottom two teams in each division drop to the NFL Second League. If both wild card playoff teams in a conference come from a same division, the second wild card may play in the playoffs but will still be relegated. This allows us the possibility of a hilarious situation in which the team to be relegated could end up winning the Super Bowl.

2010

In 2010, the two conferences, the AFC and NFC, are eliminated. The NFL First League is divided into North, South, East, and West divisions, just like the current AFC and NFC. The divisions are made up of the top two teams from the AFC and NFC versions of that division in 2009. The NFL Second League has the same structure, except that the divisions are made up of the bottom two teams in each 2009 division.

For instance, if the AFC East’s order of finish in 2009 is New England, New York Jets, Miami, Buffalo, and if the NFC East’s order of finish in 2009 is Dallas, New York Giants, Washington, Philadelphia, the NFL First League East division will be comprised of New England, New York Jets, Dallas, and New York Giants, whilst the NFL Second League East division will be comprised of Miami, Buffalo, Washington, and Philadelphia.

Each team plays sixteen regular season games, two against each other team in the same division and one against all other teams in the league except two. In 2010, those other two teams are the teams in the opposite-directioned divisions that came from the other conference and finished in the other position. To continue our above example, if Tennessee win the AFC South in 2009, in 2010 they will play all other NFL First League South teams twice and NFL First League North teams once. They will also play once against all teams in the NFL First League East and West divisions except for the teams that finished second [since Tennessee finished first] in the NFC East and West [since Tennessee came from the AFC]. Therefore, Tennessee would play Dallas, New England, and New York Jets in 2010, but not New York Giants. Likewise, if Carolina finish last in the NFC South in 2009, in 2010 they will play Miami, Washington, and Philadelphia, but not Buffalo.

At the end of the season, six teams reach the playoffs from the NFL First League: the four division winners and the two best wild cards. The playoffs are played in the same format as the current playoffs within a single conference. Since the conferences no longer exist, there are no longer conference championship games; the Super Bowl is now what would have been considered the conference championship, and the higher seed to reach the Super Bowl is designated the home team.

There are no championship playoffs in the NFL Second League. Instead, the winners of each division have a single game playoff against the team that finished last in the corresponding division in the NFL First League. The First League team hosts the game. The winning team plays in the First League the following season, and the losing team plays in the Second League. All four games are played the weekend between the divisional playoffs and the Super Bowl. The Pro Bowl is played the weekend after the Super Bowl in Honolulu, since the league’s experiment with playing it before the Super Bowl will be a failure.

2011 AND BEYOND

Beginning in 2011, each team’s non-division games will be against all teams in other divisions except teams that finished in the opposite position in two divisions on a rotating basis. In 2011, for example, the team that won the NFL First League East in 2010 play their divisional rivals twice and all other NFL First League teams once except 2010’s fourth placed teams [or their promoted replacements] in the North and West divisions. Likewise, the team that finished second in the East does not play the teams that finished third in the North and West.

Here is the list of division pairs in which opposite finishers [1-4, 2-3] in the previous season do not play:

• 2011, 2014, 2017, ...: East-North, East-West, North-South, South-West
• 2012, 2015, 2018, ...: East-South, East-West, North-South, North-West
• 2013, 2016, 2019, ...: East-North, East-South, North-West, South-West

As with MLS, the NFL will not be permitted to attach sponsors’ names to the names of the leagues, or to give them names that do not correspond to their position in the ladder. However, the NFL may, and indeed is encouraged to, select names that are not redundant [as “NFL First League” is].