WEEKLY WHINE

Decreasing minus sizes

Last weekend, designer Mark Fast gave an exhibition of his work at London Fashion Week without the original stylist and casting director. Those two individuals left the show due to “creative differences”.

What was the nature of these differences? What was Fast’s radical new idea that his stylist and casting director simply were not ready for? Upside down dresses? Centaur costumes? Pockets on women’s clothing?

The stylist and casting director left the show because three of the models wear dress sizes twelve or higher.

When the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] heard about this, Gaby [size nine above the waist, size thirteen below] and Nina [size eight] were delighted that Fast used medium models. Wen [size four] thought it was interesting but didn’t really care, whilst Rich [thirty inch inseam] and Jhonny [twenty eight inch inseam] were somewhat disappointed but didn’t mind so much once they saw the pictures.

The idea behind this scheme was to show that in order to fit in a Mark Fast dress, women need not “fast”.

Sorry. That joke was Gaby’s idea.

Anyway, as more and more fashion designers are embracing plus sized women [even if they can’t reach all the way around], that means that the current catwalk models need new occupations. In a much more hilarious turn of phrase, Gaby refers to these as “minus size” models. So we asked her to help find new occupations for these minus size models who are gradually losing their employment. We then had the rest of the GoobNet SPEED “flesh out” these ideas.

Okay, that one was Wen’s.

PIPE CLEANER

Do you have a typical plumber? Would he or she have difficulty cleaning a pipe of moderate width? Enter the minus size model. She will traverse the entire length of your pipe of moderate width, cleaning as she goes. You need not lower food to her, because eating is not an activity in which she partakes.

SIDEWALK TESTER

Are you a municipal government? Do you have a need to install or replace sidewalks somewhere in your jurisdiction? Do you have a need to test the newly installed or replaced sidewalks so that teenagers who are using their mobile telephones, PSPs, and Twitter machines will not trip over any discontinuities? A minus size model can help you. Her years of experience in walking catwalks translate easily to walking sidewalks, and her slimness means that the slightest bump in your new sidewalk will become obvious as it disrupts her equilibrium and sends her careening off balance.

ALIGNMENT TARGET

Do you have a weapon that requires fine alignment? Do you have a need to calibrate that alignment? Your obvious choice is a minus size model, who presents such a narrow target that you cannot possibly hope to hit her unless your weapon is perfectly aligned.

BACKBOARD STAND

Do you have a basketball backboard? Do you need someplace to mount it without making unsightly holes above your garage door? Your local minus size model is perfect for the job. As a model, she has extensive experience in standing still, so no matter how long your game of HORSE goes, your backboard will stay put. But even if you’re not interested in playing fairly, you can bribe your minus size model and ask her to “accidentally” twitch whenever your opponent puts up a shot.