WEEKLY WHINE
As you know, sports team uniforms are a tricky proposition. Neon green is acceptable for the Seattle Sounders, but not for the Seattle Seahawks. Kit sponsors are acceptable for Wellington Phoenix, but not the Phoenix Mercury. Vertically striped socks were burned in 1962 but were worn again last week.
American football is perhaps the most dangerous sport for uniform supporters, not least because of its physical nature. After all, if they were more athletic, they would be playing on the team rather than observing its uniforms. But American football’s uniform demands are also more... demanding... than other sports. There are five different pieces to each uniform: the jersey, pants, socks, shoes, and helmet. A failure of any one of the five can break the entire combination; just visit the University of Oregon’s site and select jersey number 1, pants number 3, shoes number 1, and helmet number 1. Looks great, right? But wait! Change to helmet number 2, or to jersey number 3 or 5, or to shoes number 2, and it’s suddenly a mess.
In the NFL, Uni Watch recently polled its readers to determine the best and worst home uniforms, and polling is currently under way on away uniforms. Seeing as how one should never leave numeric enough alone, we told the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to improve all NFL teams’ uniforms [home and away only, ignoring whatever alternate and throwback kits that they might wear].
In general, Baltimore uniforms are acceptable. The alternate logo that appears on each sleeve is a brilliant nod to the flag of the state of Maryland. The helmet logo could use some improvement in that the B on the raven’s head makes it too busy. In addition, we are generally against wacky helmet stripes [as you’ll see], so we would recommend a stripe of constant width. We would also recommend either changing its colour from purple to gold, to make it more visible against the black background, or removing it entirely.
Up until the early aughts, Cincinnati had excellent uniforms, with tiger stripes down each pants leg and, in the late 1990s, an actual bengal tiger leaping across the sleeve. Today, however, there are too many panels: white panels on the sides of the black jersey, and orange panels on the shoulders of the white jersey. The team would do well to revert to the previous design. Zoologists may complain about the helmet’s stripes curling in the opposite direction than an actual tiger’s stripes, but the helmet serves well as it is.
Suitable as is. Revisionists may be clamouring for a helmet logo, but the lack of a helmet logo is itself a logo.
Suitable as is. As with Cleveland, the asymmetric helmet is by now a commonly accepted part of the uniforms.
This is another example of trying to fix what wasn’t broke. Buffalo’s 1990s uniforms were perfectly acceptable, but suddenly in the early aughts, the home uniform changed to navy blue with a royal blue border around the shoulder region that the team still refuses to acknowledge is absurd. Returning to the previous home and away uniforms would serve this team well. The helmet is acceptable except that the stripes are too busy; the team should consider reverting to the previous stripe pattern, or perhaps removing the stripes.
Suitable as is. In recent years the team has been indecisive about whether to use white or teal pants, and under which circumstances. We would resolve this issue by instructing the team to wear white pants both at home and away.
We would recommend removing the navy blue panel beneath the sleeves on the white jersey, as well as the red border in the same area on the navy blue jersey. Otherwise, the uniforms are suitable as is.
Suitable as is; the 1960s style still serves today. The team should eradicate the green pants that have occasionally been worn in recent years.
Suitable as is. This is a rare example of a young team that made sound uniform choices.
Suitable as is. This is one of the few teams whose uniforms are made up entirely of white and one other colour.
Jacksonville had wonderful uniforms, only to ruin them this season. The ill advised changes include silly curved side piping and a helmet that changes colours in different lighting, a detail that will be completely lost on television viewers. Last year’s uniforms were the correct ones for Jacksonville.
Last year, Tennessee exchanged its home and alternate jerseys, making the light blue primary and the navy blue alternate. The team also began to wear the light blue pants, rather than the white pants, with its away white jersey. We recommend reverting the latter change, and we would also suggest changing the shoulders on the white jersey to navy blue instead of light blue. Finally, the navy blue stripes on the helmet should remain a constant width.
When first introduced, Denver’s current uniforms could only be described as wacky. But with the passage of time, the orange “parentheses” [as Gregg Easterbrook likes to call them] have grown on the public. This does not, however, apply to the blue parentheses on the away uniforms, which should be eradicated immediately. The helmet stripe should, of course, return to a constant width.
Suitable as is. The team may consider adding the arrowhead logo to one or both sides of the pants, straddling the stripe.
Suitable as is. A stripe or two around the sleeve cuffs, or a contrasting collar colour, could improve the jerseys.
A couple of years ago, San Diego added powder blue to its colours again, the logical endpoint of its hugely popular throwback jersey days. But the team made a mistake in the lightning bolt, declaring that it should always have two points on each side. Instead, it should have a greater number of points on the pants. In addition, the navy blue away pants should have only the lightning bolt down each side, without the white panel as a background.
These uniforms are uninspired and should be changed immediately. Pink would be a good choice.
Just kidding. They’re perfectly suitable as is.
Detroit’s problems began when they added black to their colours in the early aughts. The team would be well served to revert to its uniforms prior to that, though perhaps keeping the shading added to the logo this year.
Suitable as is. The team should resist the urge, so popular these days, to add some sort of tiny logo or wordmark below the collar.
The jerseys introduced in 2006 are acceptable, except that the panel underneath each sleeve should be removed. The team should also decide whether it wants stripes on the pants or not; the current partial stripe pattern suggests uncertainty. The shading added to the helmet horn is acceptable.
Suitable as is, except that the home and away uniforms should use the same colour shades. Currently, the navy blue of the away jersey is darker than the blue used in the numbers of the home jersey, and the home pants are more of a bluish silver.
The team tried to recapture its 1950s heritage with these uniforms, but today they are uninteresting. The uniforms could be improved by introducing a single stripe pattern for both the home and away pants, by adding stripes to the home jersey sleeves, and adding blue trim to the away jersey.
Suitable as is. As is commonly said, you fuck with tradition at your own risk. Philadelphia fucked with tradition in 1994, but the “midnight green” uniforms introduced then have been a great success.
Suitable as is. The team has on occasion worn white pants with its white jersey, or burgundy pants with its burgundy jersey, but this should be avoided.
Suitable as is. The tapered panels on the sides of the jersey and pants work well on this uniform. The RoboFalcon, introduced in 2003, was a wise improvement, not least because it also happens to be in the shape of a capital F.
Suitable as is. We would suggest changing the helmet stripes to extend the entire circumference of the helmet, but the current design actually makes sense here because it evokes a panther’s claws.
Suitable as is. Some may want sleeve stripes, but we feel that the logo on each sleeve provides enough decoration.
Suitable as is. The team should use the pewter pants, rather than the white, at all times.
The home uniform is suitable as is, except that the team should consider using the red pants with the red jersey rather than the white pants. Although the monochrome appearance can often look horrible, we believe that it would work for Arizona. We would recommend adding some yellow to the white jersey, perhaps on the lower half of the sleeve.
Suitable as is, except that we would recommend returning to the gold pants with both the blue and white jerseys.
The uniforms introduced this year are reminiscent of the team’s 1980s uniforms. They stopped being the team’s uniforms because they were stale, just as they are now. We would recommend reverting to the uniforms of most of this decade: numbers outlined in gold with a black shadow panel, and red and black stripes on the gold pants.
Suitable as is. Though many are opposed to the solid blue-silver home appearance, it suits the team well.
PLEASE SEND ALL TEXT-BASED SENSUALITY TO <GOOBNET@GOOBNET.NET>
© 2018 GOOBNET ENTERPRISES, INC [WHICH DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST HOWEVER]
THIS FILE ACCURATE AS OF: THU 06 DEC 2018 – 06:34:57 UTC · GENERATED IN 0.003 SECONDS
