WEEKLY WHINE

Democracy: 50,000,000 others like this

As you know, there is nothing interesting going on in the world right now. In such times, you should of course stop to look at the interesting things that are going to happen in the world. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a television network that carried thoughtful, in depth examinations of the upcoming events and trends that are most likely to affect you and the world around you?

That would be wonderful, but in the meantime, you are stuck with the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. Instead of insightful analysis of major news topics, you instead get our coverage of various continuing stories, which are introduced with the following text.

SUU KYI RELEASED
Facebook status goes from “under house arrest” to “not under house arrest”

US MIDTERM ELECTIONS
Congress receives clear mandate to do whatever it is they have been mandated to do

G-20 SUMMIT
Agreement to coordinate policy actions drops its glasses

MAIL BOMB AFTERMATH
Packages will hereafter be required to take shoes off

NEW GOVERNMENT IN FRANCE
Sarkozy keeps prime minister, sacks minister of sacking

TELEPHONE BOOKS OBSOLETE?
Still good for that creaky coffee table leg

CONAN PREMIÈRES
NBC to allow Fallon to replace Leno in the year 3000

PACQUIAO BECOMES OCTOCHAMP
Astonishingly solves Countdown Conundrum: THEYGLIWF = FLYWEIGHT