WEEKLY WHINE

Subjunctivitis

Most controversies in English grammar have been solved. Split infinitives are ready to boldly go wherever they are required. You can strand your prepositions wherever you need to. You ain’t got to concern yourself about double negatives no more.

But there remains one subject of contention: the subjunctive mood. In this mood, a verb is used in a speculative sense: “If you should go there, you’ll see the sign”. The subjunctive is used in dependent clauses that refer to actions that may not occur, that the speaker would like to occur, or that the speaker is recommending should occur.

There are a variety of usages of the subjunctive. Here we will not try to dictate the proper form for all usages. Instead, we will examine a few popular cases and their common usage. If necessary, we will also explain what is wrong with the common usage. This will all be used as motivation for the recommendations on the subjunctive mood that will be included in the next edition of the GoobNet Style Manual.

The subjunctive manifests itself in past, present, future, and pluperfect forms. They’re not really tenses, as they don’t necessarily indicate the time frame of the action. Instead, they represent different types of subjunctive clauses. Let’s talk about each form.

PAST SUBJUNCTIVE

The past subjunctive is used most commonly in counterfactual clauses: “If you went there, you’d see the sign” or “Wish you were here”. It uses the same verb form as the past tense, but which one?

The generally accepted form is the one for third person plural: “Wish Al Gore were here” or “If only that were possible”. But let’s face facts. That sounds insane. The reader’s expected response is: “Wish who were here? Al Gore and who else?” Using the third person plural regardless of the subject is merely asking for trouble.

PRESENT SUBJUNCTIVE

In the present subjunctive, we are looking at cases in which a desire is expressed: “I move that we adjourn” or “Let’s stop polluting lest we make the atmosphere unbreatheable”. It uses the same verb form as the present tense, but which one?

For verbs other than be, the generally accepted form is the one for third person plural: “I move that Justice Kagan recuse herself” or “Tell China PR to stop polluting lest it make the atmosphere unbreatheable”. For be, the generally accepted form is be itself: “I move that Justice Kagan be recused” or “Tell China PR to stop polluting lest the atmosphere be made unbreatheable”.

These constructions sound insane, for the same reason as for the past subjunctive above. The use of be is particularly jarring. The reader’s expected response is: “Be made? What the fuck does that mean? Something is made, or it isn’t made. That’s what you should say.”

FUTURE SUBJUNCTIVE

The future subjunctive represents conditional clauses for a future action that is uncertain to occur: “If you should go there, you’ll see the sign” or “If you were to be the first penalty taker, that would be awesome”.

When should is present, the generally accepted form is clear: “If Zoidberg should go there, he’ll see the sign”. Otherwise, the form of be for third person plural is used, followed by the verb’s infinitive: “If Alex Krieger were to be the first penalty taker, that would be awesome”. In this case, it uses the same verb form as the past tense, but which one?

The verb’s infinitive, without to, is used when should is present, just like always. Otherwise, the generally accepted form sounds insane. The reader’s expected response is: “Were to be? Wait, how can you have more than one first penalty taker? Is there some double penalty rule I haven’t heard about?”

PLUPERFECT SUBJUNCTIVE

Here, we are looking at clauses representing counterfactual situations in the past: “If you had gone there, you’d have seen the sign” or “If you had been the first penalty taker, that would have been awesome”.

The generally accepted form uses had with the verb’s past participle. Thankfully, there is nothing to debate here. The reader’s expected response is: “Then why the fuck didn’t you take the first penalty?”

RECOMMENDATIONS

The following paragraph is proposed for inclusion in the next edition of the GoobNet Style Manual:

Subjunctive clauses: In a subjunctive clause, the normal verb form for that subject and tense is used. Examples:

• “I move that Justice Kagan recuses herself.”
• “Tell China PR to stop polluting lest the atmosphere is made unbreatheable.”
• “If only that was possible.”
• “If Alex Krieger was to be the first penalty taker, that would be awesome.”

You may be familiar with the scholars who believe that this decision is another step in the decline of the subjunctive. But we remind you that the subjunctive is not a particular form of a verb. It is usage of the verb. The examples shown above include subjunctive clauses, regardless of whether they use be, is, or any other verb forms. One need only compare the recommended examples to the generally accepted examples to see why “If only that was possible” is vastly more understandable than “If only that were possible”.