WEEKLY WHINE

Over the shoes

As you know, the Universe in which we live is an annoying place. If you live on a planet that is inhabited by humans, it is even more annoying. Sometimes you need guidance as to how to live your life or what pursuits to pursue. If so, it must be time for you to open your nearest GoobNet Misfortune Cookie and see what your fortune is. All fortunes are guaranteed accurate, in the sense that they are accurately printed in the centre of the slip.

• TOMORROW WILL MARK THE START OF SOMETHING NEW: DAYS THAT DON’T SUCK
• THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS WILL WIN FOUR OF THEIR NEXT SEVEN GAMES
• TRY NEW THINGS. FUCK A COWORKER
• TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO WEAR SPATS
• MAKE GREATER USE OF YOUR ASTOUNDING CAPABILITY TO SORT A DECK OF CARDS
• DO YOU LIKE FORTUNES? NO WAY! ME TOO! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!
• WHAT EXACTLY ARE SPATS, ANYWAY? DO THEY GO OVER YOUR SOCKS? OR DO YOU WEAR THEM INSTEAD OF SOCKS? WHAT’S THE DEAL THERE?
• YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE Exception: Function getLuckyNumbers() not defined (fortune.scr line 81)
• AND THIS FORTUNE IS ACCURATE! OHHHH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?! GO, GO FORTUNE COOKIES! THIS IS IAN DARKE, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES
• HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT A FORTUNE TASTES LIKE? GO AHEAD, EAT THIS ONE
• HELLO, HERE ARE THE FILES YOU REQUESTED
• WHY NOT STOP BY FRED’S BOOKS? JUST FIFTEEN MINUTES FROM THIS FORTUNE
• FUN FACT: EIGHTEENTH CENTURY DANCER HESTER SANTLOW IS COMMONLY REGARDED AS ENGLAND’S FIRST BALLERINA
• DON’T LISTEN TO THE HATERS. BUT YOU SHOULD CONSIDER BEING ALARMED AT THEIR NUMBER
• SHHH! LISTEN! DO YOU HEAR THAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE – OMIGOD HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!
• WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED BY THE SEWER THAT EXPLODED UNDERNEATH YOUR GARAGE