WEEKLY WHINE

Meticulous mathematical analysis of this week’s results

As you know, we here at GoobNet are extremely proud of the work we have done into getting the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network off the ground. It has become one of the world’s best sources of news, provided that all other sources of news are penalised for covering last week’s US elections with strange green screened rooms, different coloured shapes on top of ice, and pointless projections of people into pertinent places.

So now that said US elections have been completed, what are the lessons we can learn from it? Other than “everyone should vote”, “everyone and their mother should vote”, and “seriously, get your sorry ass out there and vote”, there are not many lessons. And those that exist are being covered extensively on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. If your cable or satellite provider doesn’t offer the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, you probably live in a location where availability of the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is scarce, such as Earth.

OBAMA REELECTED
Florida tries to fuck things up again, fails

GOP RETAINS HOUSE
Four more years!... of gridlock

PUERTO RICO VOTES FOR STATEHOOD
Historic electoral first: people actually volunteering to pay federal taxes

REPS, SENATORS FOR NH ALL FEMALE
New Hampshire says: DC needs women!

COLORADO, WASHINGTON LEGALISE* MARIJUANA
* Subject to federal law

MAINE, MARYLAND, WASHINGTON LEGALISE* GAY MARRIAGE
* Subject to federal law, which is on books but not in Attorney General’s files

CALIFORNIA LEGALISES* HIGHER TAXES
* Subject to state’s continuing desire to kill violent felons

PETRAEUS OUT AT CIA
Sometimes a biographer is just a biographer