WEEKLY WHINE
Recent news:
15:20 UTC: Dave and Vickie, along with their entire family, have shown their support for the victims of Hurricane Sandy and its aftermath in New York City, New Jersey, and all affected parts of the eastern United States.
“Owing to my participation in the MLS Cup playoffs, Vickie and I were unable to participate in this year’s GoobNet Halloween festivities,” Dave said in a statement. “However, when Reg contacted us about the plans for the fundraiser, we offered our support in any way we could.”
Dave and Vickie donated 16,777,216 GoobNet Silly Bucks to the relief effort and recorded a special message for those attending the fundraising event.
“We want you to know that Vickie and I, along with Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz, Harper, and everyone all around the country and across the world is behind you,” Dave said in the message. “Donations are pouring in to get you the help you need to get you back on your feet. And I’m calling on everyone to pitch in to do their part and make a difference. Except San Jose. Because fuck those guys.”
12:30 UTC: Last night, GoobNet successfully held a series of special fundraising events in New York City. The events, attended by every single person who resides in the boroughs of the Bronx, Brooklyn, and Staten Island, along with upwards of 70% of residents of the rest of Long Island, raised more than 68,719,476,736 GoobNet Silly Bucks to help the city recover from Hurricane Sandy and its aftermath.
“Although the normal GoobNet Halloween party was cancelled, we are pleased that we could still come together and support the people of New York and the whole Eastern Seaboard in their time of need,” GoobNet managing editor Deb Harratsch said in a statement. “The performances of Mary-Kate and Ashley, Charles, Debbie and Charlotte, Cristina, and all of our special participants will live long in the memory.”
“Last night’s fundraiser exceeded our wildest expectations,” added Wen Jialuen of the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]. “It was such an extraordinary experience to have so many wonderful, talented people appearing together. Speaking on behalf of all of us at the GoobNet SPEED, we are delighted to have raised so much to help the recovery effort, and we are happy to have contributed, even in a small way, to helping lift the spirits of New Yorkers who need our help now more than ever.”
The funds raised will be exchanged for United States dollars, which are only slightly less silly than GoobNet Silly Bucks. The special exchange rate of one dollar for every trillion Silly Bucks, negotiated especially for this fundraising event, means that the city of New York will receive upwards of 50% more funds than if the exchange had been made at current market rates.
21:45 UTC: GoobNet has confirmed a series of special fundraising events to take place in and around New York City this evening. The events will feature various notable personalities who were to have taken part in this year’s GoobNet Halloween party, which has now been cancelled.
Eight events are to be held in total, each hosted by one of the GoobNet Halloween participants. In addition, the events will each be presented by one of GoobNet’s Halloween party partners. The complete list of events and participants is shown below.
20:36 UTC: GoobNet and its Halloween party partners have confirmed the cancellation of the 2012 GoobNet Halloween party. No new date for the event, which was to have been held tomorrow night in a penthouse suite filled with laser lights, dry ice, music with awesome bass lines, and exciting people in strange costumes overlooking Central Park, has yet been determined.
“While holding the party would not require diverting resources from the recovery effort, it is clear that it has become the source of controversy and division,” Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO of GoobNet Enterprises, Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however], said in a statement.
“We would not want a cloud to hang over the party or its participants, and so we have decided to cancel it,” Goober added. “We cannot allow a controversy over an artistic event – even one as meaningful as this – to distract attention away from all the critically important work that is being done to recover from the storm and get the city back on track.”
15:12 UTC: Moments ago, Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO of GoobNet Enterprises, Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however], issued the following statement with regards to the upcoming GoobNet Halloween party:
Today, myself and other GoobNet personnel met with key participants in the New York City area to review the response to Sandy. GoobNet supports these relief efforts wholeheartedly, and we have indicated our desire to offer any and all assistance we can provide.
One of the topics was the status of the annual GoobNet Halloween party, to be held in New York tomorrow evening. The consensus was that the party should proceed as planned. Holding the party will not divert any resources from the cleanup and recovery efforts that are currently ongoing in the city.
What is more, the event will serve as a tremendous boost to the city’s morale. It is a great event for New York, and I think you’ve got to believe those who were lost would want us to have an economy and a have a party go on for those that they left behind. And we have to find some way to express ourselves and show our solidarity with silly costumes.
PLEASE SEND ALL IRRELEVANT DETAILS TO <GOOBNET@GOOBNET.NET>
© 2018 GOOBNET ENTERPRISES, INC [WHICH DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST HOWEVER]
THIS FILE ACCURATE AS OF: THU 06 DEC 2018 – 06:34:53 UTC · GENERATED IN 0.002 SECONDS
