WEEKLY WHINE

Wholly objective indexing of states

There now follows a ranking of the 50 US states and the District of Columbia, based on what they have offered the country. Congress, please feel free to use this ranking as a guide when determining which portions of the nation to sell off as part of your debt reduction scheme.

1. Hawai‘i: The land that gave America jealousy.
2. Maine: The land that gave America a fresh pine scent.
3. Colorado: The land that gave America someplace to train its Olympic athletes.
4. Illinois: The land that gave America an endless sequence of jokes about how to win the dead guy vote in an election. Also Lincoln.
5. Delaware: The land that gave America the opportunity to avoid calling something the “Marva Peninsula”.
6. Rhode Island: The land that gave America Family Guy.
7. Massachusetts: The land that gave America the ivory tower.
8. Washington: The land that gave America the idea for voting on everything, even general managers of sporting teams.
9. Maryland: The land that gave America the distinction between inner and outer harbors.
10. New Hampshire: The land that gave America the inspiration for Mount Rushmore.
11. Minnesota: The land that gave America Fargo.
12. Ohio: The land that gave America someplace for the US presidential candidates to go.
13. District of Columbia: The land that gave America its own attic.
14. California: The land that gave America Hollywood, where even the most craptacular films can be sequelised or remade.
15. Missouri: The land that gave America the world’s largest monument to the day that Santa Claus fought back the Martian invasion using only Rudolph’s nose and the flame thrower that Calvin was supposed to get. Just ask them to show it to you.
16. New York: The land that gave America the archetype for a state divided between two unique constituencies that accuse one another of hijacking the state’s political process, getting everything they want, and marginalising the other, all whilst occasionally threatening to form a new state.
17. Vermont: The land that gave America the original independent senator.
18. Oregon: The land that gave America someplace to put its people who don’t like to pump their own gasoline.
19. North Carolina: The land that gave America the distinction between inner and outer banks.
20. Pennsylvania: The land that gave America America.
21. New Jersey: The land that gave America Bruce Springsteen and Jon Stewart, which is still insufficient for it to escape being America’s punchline.
22. Virginia: The land that gave America someplace to put its lovers.
23. Connecticut: The land that gave America ESPN.
24. Arizona: The land that gave America its own oven.
25. Louisiana: The land that gave America the beignet, though America has yet to figure out exactly what the beignet is.
26. Nevada: The land that gave itself back to America. Literally: have you seen how much of its territory is owned by the federal government?
27. Indiana: The land that gave America a giggle every time it hears the name of Larry Bird’s hometown.
28. Michigan: The land that gave America its own high five.
29. Wisconsin: The land that gave America the essential items of any tailgate: sausage, cheese, and beer.
30. Florida: The land that gave America an understanding of the term “hanging chad”.
31. New Mexico: The land that can neither confirm nor deny that it gave America someplace to put its captured flying saucers.
32. Alaska: The land that gave America another name for the snowmobile.
33. South Carolina: The land that gave America the euphemism “hiking the Appalachian Trail”.
34. Iowa: The land that gave America the caucus, though America has yet to figure out exactly what the caucus is.
35. West Virginia: The land that gave America someplace to put its lovers of coal.
36. South Dakota: The land that gave America someplace to carve presidential likenesses.
37. Idaho: The land that gave America potatoes in such quantity as to make French fries the nation’s default side dish.
38. Kansas: The land that gave America Clark Kent.
39. Alabama: The land that gave America someplace to put Space Camp.
40. North Dakota: The land that gave America Fargo.
41. Nebraska: The land that gave Kansas a fake address to give to states that it doesn’t want to talk to.
42. Georgia: The land that gave America the rock lobster.
43. Arkansas: The land that gave America Walmart.
44. Tennessee: The land that gave America someplace to put the Vancouver Grizzlies.
45. Montana: The land that gave America a reason to use the phrase “hydrological apex”.
46. Oklahoma: The land that gave America someplace to put the Seattle Supersonics.
47. Utah: The land that gave America pronoia.
48. Texas: The land that gave America paranoia.
49. Kentucky: The land that gave America someplace to put its gold.
50. Mississippi: The land that gave America someplace to build bridges.
51. Wyoming: The land that gave America Dick Cheney.