WEEKLY WHINE

Find out if nobody beats ‘Wiz’

MLS begins its eighteenth season next weekend, and it’s definitely a year of change. Except for the number of matches. And the number of teams. And the playoff format. And the stadiums. And the television broadcasters.

But other than that, everything is completely different.

For example, Landon Donovan no longer cares, unless he does. Chivas USA no longer want non-Latino players, unless they do. Philadelphia no longer want Freddy Adu, unless they do. Ryan Nelsen no longer wants to be a long distance coach, unless he does. Houston no longer want a shirt sponsor, unless they do. MLS clubs will no longer cede the CONCACAF Champions League to Mexican clubs, unless they do. And the Supporters Shield will no longer be won by the same club twice in succession, unless it is.

So, for these reasons and more, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network will be spending all this week helping you prepare for the 2013 MLS season. Be sure to tune in every day to see items containing information that will make you smart enough to participate in the year ahead. After all, there is one person who has never watched the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, and he is not going to participate in this MLS season. So don’t be like Rafa Márquez.

No, really. Don’t be like Rafa Márquez. In any respect.

CHIVAS USA GO BACK TO THE FUTURE
Chelís returns club to roots: Guadalajara leftovers, last place

RYAN NELSEN TAKES TFC REINS
Training sessions to be overseen via Skype

WILL VALERI LIFT PORTLAND?
Argentine import hopes to fill gap in midfield

DALLAS ON THE RISE
Cooper, Hassli hope to “burn” rest of league

IS THIS NEW YORK’S YEAR?
Izquierdo, Alexander, other Juninho hope to make midfield “metro stars”

SAN JOSE DEFENDS SHIELD
Lenhart looking forward to “clashing” with rest of league

CAN GALAXY MAKE IT THREE?
Expectations up, demand for valet parking down

CARLOS RUIZ RETURNS TO MLS
Guatemalan Hooters franchises still available