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NOT PROVEN TO INCREASE INTELLIGENCE IN PARIS HILTON... BUT LET’S HOPE SO

WEEKLY WHINE

Sequesteriffic

As you know, the United States was formed in a revolt against royal fuckups. However, in creating an artificial crisis that was never supposed to actually take effect and then allowing it to actually take effect, the United States government has now royally fucked up. We asked the various contributors to GoobNet to help us come up with ways to cut US$85,000,000,000 from this year’s budget.

Source for budget figures is the US Public Budget Database for FY 2013.

DEB

We have been completely unable to raise taxes for years now. And yet the IRS gets nearly US$108,000,000,000. What the fuck? The two most important IRS functions, taxpayer services and enforcement, total only about US$8,000,000,000. Let’s lose the rest of the dead weight. That gives us a hundred billion right there. Problem solved.

EDVARD

The Treasury Department has several programmes, like interest from credit financing accounts and GSE equity related transactions, that together cost more than US$82,000,000,000. Those obviously need to go.

[Note from Deb: That’s negative eighty two billion. That’s not an outlay, that’s income.]

Fuck!

DEBBIE

US foreign policy is becoming increasingly militarised. For evidence, observe the current debate over Syria. If the United States gets involved, should it arm the opposition, or should it send weapons to the opposition? There are no other choices. Therefore, under the use it or lose it principle, we eliminate the State Department, for a savings of US$32,000,000,000. International assistance programmes are also gone, for US$27,000,000,000. And because the US no longer cares about the rest of the world, Customs and Border Protection is not required, nor are Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Citizenship and Immigration Services, or the Transportation Security Administration. We have now saved US$86,000,000,000.

AMBER LYNN

There is a line item for “Orderly Liquidation” at US$1,515,000,000. Why are we liquidating our orderlies? When hospital orderlies retire, they should be allowed to go to a retirement home. We should not turn them into paste for the patients’ consumption. That’s not only horrifying, it’s money that could be better spent elsewhere.

[Note from Deb: Yeah, I don’t think that’s what “Orderly Liquidation” means.]

RICH

The Food and Nutrition Service costs more than US$110,000,000,000. Obviously there is no need to spend that much. Just let everyone eat high fructose corn syrup. That shit is totally good for you – why else would we subsidise it so much?

GABY

If we remove the Employment and Training Administration, we can save nearly US$120,000,000,000, which is well over our target. This means we can reinvest the extra money into something useful: either NASA’s Mars mission, or the Iran invasion.

NINA

Um... why don’t we just, you know, stop invading random countries?

WEN

Here is a proposal for all you antiscience Republicans. Some of the programmes you hate – the Department of Energy, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, the National Science Foundation, the Corps of Engineers Civil Works, the Defense Nuclear Facilities Safety Board, the Electric Reliability Organization, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, the Nuclear Waste Technical Review Board, the Smithsonian Institution – will cost a total of US$68,000,000,000 in fiscal 2013. Just get rid of those, along with about US$17,000,000,000 of military research and development, and you will have met your goal.

JHONNY

The US spends nearly US$55,000,000,000 on military retirement every year. The solution is clear: Ban military retirement. From now on, the military is a career for life. Anyone who has already retired from the military is automatically reenlisted. Also, the Department of Veterans Affairs is no longer needed, as there is no longer any such thing as a military veteran. That reclaims another US$140,000,000,000. We have now eliminated nearly two hundred billion US dollars from the annual budget, which more than makes up for the additional personnel costs of having all these former retirees in the military.

REG

Congress failed to reach a solution, so they should suffer the brunt of the cuts. After all, do we really need two legislative houses? The question is, which do we cut? The House has gone completely insane the last several years – it has, after all, passed thirty one bills that would repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. However, the Senate is completely backward: former Republican senator Chuck Hagel was confirmed as secretary of defense by unanimous vote of the other party.

[Note from Deb: Actually, cutting both houses would save less than US$5,000,000,000.]

Oh. Then never mind. I’m out of ideas.

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