WEEKLY WHINE

No longer time to go woot about liquid helium

We here at GoobNet would like to congratulate you for living through another week.

If, however, you did not live through this week, we here at GoobNet offer our condolences and hope that you have better luck next week.

Yes, this is still a bad time to be alive. In many parts of the world, people are killing one another. In many other parts of the world, people are calling one another fascists or nutjobs over whether they have the right to own devices designed for killing one another. But you should be thankful that you have the right to visit sites like GoobNet.

If, on the other hand, you do not have the right to visit sites like GoobNet, dude, what the hell are you doing here? Go visit a site that you do have the right to visit. Like Baidu. You know, the one where you can post any advanced thought you like, provided that it is found on the list of Permissible Advanced Thoughts. And for some reason, advanced thoughts about Ai Weiwei and Tiananmen Square are nowhere to be found on that list.

Anyway, if you would like some assistance in living through next week, we recommend the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. Here are just some of the continuing stories we are currently covering.

ISRAELI AIR STRIKES IN SYRIA
Everyone, their mother now authorised to bomb Syria

MALAYSIAN ELECTION
Barisan Nasional tweets: ‘Woot Woot!’ No, really

NRA CONVENTION
When adding hunting right to state constitutions just isn’t enough

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL PREVIEW
Fans to look forward to frequent bookings, arguments with referees

HERSCHEL TELESCOPE SHUTS DOWN
Four year mission discovered billions upon billions of pixels

CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES
Wind on side of firefighters for once

ROGERS TO REJOIN MLS?
No truth to rumour about KC’s 1996 rainbow uniforms

WORLD CELEBRATES STAR WARS DAY
Clashes with Star Trek fans largely avoided