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WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Roger Goodell

Edvard: Hello there! Hi everyone! Welcome! Thank you! Thank you everyone! Hey, welcome once again to GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol! Yes, we’re here once again for the game in which you face the challenge of trying to understand important, well known people. Can you understand today’s participant? Well, our three patrollers today will attempt to do just that. Before we meet them, though, we’ll have to meet our participant first. He began his career as an intern at the New York City, NY, USA office of the National Football League, and later with the New York Jets. He’s held a few positions in the NFL, and over time he climbed his way to the role of chief operating officer. He was named commissioner of the league in 2006, a position he still holds today. So, let’s all welcome the commissioner of the National Football League, Roger Goodell!

Roger: Hello Edvard.

Edvard: Hi Roger. Welcome to the programme.

Roger: Thank you.

Edvard: Would you like to meet our patrollers for today?

Roger: Certainly.

Edvard: All right. Here they are. First, we have Laurent from Chicago, IL, USA.

Laurent: Hi.

Edvard: Adam from Melbourne, VIC, Australia.

Adam: Hello.

Edvard: And Lisa from Orchard Park, NY, USA.

Lisa: Hi.

Edvard: Welcome, each of you. Good luck today. Roger, let’s find out what your Schmilblick is for today.

Roger: Certainly. My Schmilblick is: Why I want to eliminate points after touchdown from the National Football League.

Edvard: Why you want to eliminate extra points.

Roger: Yes.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that could be a challenge. Patrollers, if you can identify Roger’s Schmilblick, there is a wonderful prize in store for you. We’ll fly all three of you, plus a guest for each, to Phoenix, AZ, USA for Super Bowl XLIX, or Super Bowl Ux-licks as I like to call it. You’ll stay four nights in a hotel in beautiful downtown Phoenix, and you’ll receive entry to some of the most exciting parties of Super Bowl weekend. Then, on game day, we’ll chauffeur you to the stadium for an unforgettable Super Bowl experience. But if you can’t identify Roger’s Schmilblick in eighteen queries, he’ll be our winner. In that case, Roger, there is a wonderful prize in store for you. We’ll fly you, plus a guest, to Phoenix, AZ, USA for Super Bowl XLIX, or Super Bowl Ux-licks as I like to call it. You’ll stay four nights in a hotel in beautiful downtown Phoenix, and you’ll receive entry to some of the most exciting league meetings of Super Bowl weekend. Then, on game day, the league will chauffeur you to the stadium for an unforgettable Super Bowl experience, including presenting the Vince Lombardi trophy to the winning team. How does that sound?

Roger: Well, I was already going to do all that anyway.

Edvard: Perfect. Patrollers, are you ready?

Lisa: Ready!

Adam: Yes.

Laurent: Yes.

Edvard: Roger, are you ready?

Roger: Yes, I am.

Edvard: All right. Let’s go on patrol! Laurent, the first question is yours.

Laurent: Hello Roger.

Roger: Hello Laurent.

Laurent: You would like to get rid of extra points.

Roger: Yes.

Laurent: Do you want to do this because of the injury risk?

Roger: No.

Edvard: Wait, there’s an injury risk on extra points?

Roger: I was told to answer only the questions posed by the patrollers.

Edvard: Ah. Very good. Someone on our staff has been trying to ruin the game for me. Well, regardless, that makes it one question down and seventeen to go. Adam, you have your first question now.

Adam: Hello Roger.

Roger: Hi Adam.

Adam: Roger, do you want to remove the extra point because it is boring?

Roger: In part, yes.

Edvard: In part.

Roger: In part, yes.

Edvard: Okay. Well, we are making a tiny bit of progress. But that’s two down and sixteen to go. And before we have our next question, let’s take a moment to get to know our patrollers. Lisa, hi.

Lisa: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: From Orchard Park.

Lisa: Home of the Buffalo Bills.

Edvard: Ralph Wilson Stadium, yes. Are you a Bills fan?

Lisa: I am.

Edvard: Do you have a favourite player?

Lisa: CJ Spiller out of the current players, but all time my favourite is Thurman Thomas.

Edvard: Some excellent running backs.

Lisa: You bet.

Edvard: All right. Good to have you here, Lisa. What is your first question for Roger?

Lisa: Hey Roger.

Roger: Hi Lisa.

Lisa: Roger, would you like to see teams go for two after every touchdown?

Edvard: Interesting. Replacing the extra point with a two point conversion attempt, essentially. Would that be your desired end point?

Roger: No, I would not like to see teams go for two after every touchdown.

Edvard: Not after every touchdown, then. Well, that’s three down and fifteen to go. Laurent, hi.

Laurent: Hi Edvard. Good to meet you.

Edvard: And you as well. You’re from Chicago.

Laurent: Right.

Edvard: And your favourite team?

Laurent: Bears.

Edvard: Da Bears!

Laurent: Daaaa Bears!

Edvard: And do you have a favourite player?

Laurent: Julius Peppers, absolutely.

Edvard: A wonderful defensive lineman, Peppers is. Well, let’s have your second question for Roger.

Laurent: Roger, do the viewer figures decline during extra points?

Roger: We don’t have information to that level of detail.

Edvard: So your answer is “I don’t know”?

Roger: Right.

Edvard: Okay. Well, no progress there, Laurent. So that is four down and fourteen to go, and we come to you, Adam. Hi.

Adam: How you going, Edvard?

Edvard: Just fine, thanks. You’re from Melbourne?

Adam: Yes, but I live in America now. I go to Stanford University.

Edvard: Great. What are you studying?

Adam: Applied physics.

Edvard: Applied physics. And would you consider yourself an NFL fan?

Adam: Yes, I have got into it since I came to America. I’ve become a fan of the 49ers.

Edvard: Your local team.

Adam: Right.

Edvard: Must be disappointed about the NFC championship.

Adam: Yes, but it’s a very good team. The 49ers will be back.

Edvard: Good. And your favourite player?

Adam: Colin Kaepernick.

Edvard: Great. All right, let’s have your next question.

Adam: Roger, kickoffs were eliminated from this year’s Pro Bowl. With the proposal to eliminate extra points as well, is the role of the kicker being phased out of American football?

Roger: No, I would not say that.

Edvard: Even though the evidence suggests otherwise.

Roger: The kicker is not being phased out.

Edvard: All right. Well, that is five down and thirteen to go. Lisa, back around to you.

Lisa: Roger, do you believe that a league without extra points would be a better place?

Roger: I don’t know about being a “better place”, but yes, I feel that removing the PAT would be an improvement.

Edvard: That’s a yes, then.

Roger: Not exactly.

Edvard: Dude, it’s a yes. So six down and twelve to go now. Laurent, you can ask your third question now.

Laurent: Do the players dislike the extra point?

Roger: Not to my knowledge.

Edvard: Not to your knowledge. All right, that’s seven down and eleven to go. Adam?

Adam: Roger, do the fans dislike the extra point?

Edvard: Continuing in the same vein, then. Do fans not like the extra point?

Roger: From what I have read, there has been a mixed reaction.

Edvard: So no clear sense one way or the other.

Roger: No.

Edvard: All right, well, that’s another maybe. So eight down and ten to go. Lisa, your third question, please.

Lisa: Roger, one of the serious problems that the league faces is the ever increasing length of games. Will removing extra points help to speed up games?

Roger: I don’t expect it to have an impact in that area, no.

Edvard: All right. Game length not being addressed by this change. So nine down and nine to go now. We are midway through our questioning, and the patrollers do not seem close yet to determining the Schmilblick of our participant, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. And that is why he has proposed eliminating the extra point from the NFL. Well, the tenth question will be from you, Laurent. Can you shed any additional light on this?

Laurent: I’ll try. Roger, are league owners opposed to the extra point?

Roger: The owners have discussed that topic, but there is no consensus at this point.

Edvard: So the owners have talked about it.

Roger: They have, yes.

Edvard: Interesting. Well, that’s ten down and eight to go. We come back to you now, Adam. What will you ask?

Adam: You have mentioned a potential plan in which going for two would be optional, but teams would get the seventh point automatically if they decline to go for two. Are there any proposals to replace the extra point with something else that would be worth one point?

Roger: Yes, there are.

Edvard: There are?

Roger: Yes.

Edvard: Well, that may be the breakthrough you’ve been looking for, patrollers. That’s eleven down and seven to go, and it brings us to you again, Lisa.

Lisa: All right. Is there a specific proposal that you would like to introduce instead of the extra point, Roger?

Roger: Yes, there is.

Edvard: Really? Well, that’s interesting. That’s very interesting indeed. And it takes us to twelve down and six to go. Only two more questions available from each of our patrollers. Laurent, back to you.

Laurent: Roger, is your proposal to move the ball further away for extra points?

Roger: No.

Edvard: You don’t want the extra point to move to the five, or the ten?

Roger: It’s not what I want to do instead.

Edvard: Okay. Well, that’s some useful information. But that means we are now at thirteen down and five to go. Adam?

Adam: Roger, is your proposal borrowed from an existing sport or game other than American football?

Roger: Yes, it is.

Edvard: Well. That is certainly very interesting. But can our patrollers do anything with that information? It is now fourteen down and four to go. Lisa, you have two more questions. Let’s have one of them now.

Lisa: Roger, is your proposal based on baseball?

Roger: No, it isn’t.

Edvard: Not a bad guess, but it takes us to fifteen down and three to go. Our patrollers are down to their last questions each. Laurent, we go back to you.

Laurent: Is your proposal for a player to answer a trivia question for an extra point?

Edvard: Well, that’s interesting. Roger, do you want to have a trivia question for the extra point?

Roger: No, that’s not what I had in mind. But it’s not a bad idea.

Edvard: Well, regardless, it does not help our patrollers. We are now at sixteen down and two to go. Your last question, please, Adam.

Adam: Does your proposal have a physical aspect to it, as opposed to being strictly mental?

Roger: Yes, there is a physical aspect.

Edvard: All right. Lisa, that information may help you. But we are reaching the end here. It is seventeen down and one to go, and our patrollers have one last chance to identify Roger Goodell’s Schmilblick. Lisa, can you bring it home and earn those Super Bowl tickets for your fellow patrollers?

Lisa: Dude, no pressure.

Edvard: None whatsoever.

Lisa: Okay. Roger, is your proposal to have one team try to zorb into the end zone for an extra point?

Edvard: Wait, what?

Lisa: You know zorbing. Where you get into a big plastic sphere and try to run around.

Roger: Like Atlasphere on American Gladiators.

Lisa: It’s like that, yeah.

Edvard: That’s a bit of a shot in the dark, isn’t it, Lisa?

Lisa: Yeah, I guess it is.

Edvard: All right, well, let’s see if it was successful. Roger, is your proposal an extra point by zorbing?

Roger: No, it’s not.

Edvard: Oh, that’s too bad. It’s eighteen down and zero to go, and that means, Roger, that you are tonight’s winner! Congratulations to you, and with that, you’ve earned a trip to next year’s Super Bowl in Phoenix and the opportunity to present the trophy to the winning team, all courtesy of GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. How do you feel about that?

Roger: I told you. I’m already doing all that anyway.

Edvard: Have a wonderful time out there. But of course, there is still one mystery unresolved. What was your Schmilblick, Roger?

Roger: Well, my Schmilblick was that I would like to replace the extra point with a wrestling match.

Edvard: Wrestling? Really?

Roger: Yes. You see, Lisa, you were actually very close there at the end. Ever since they started to do the Breakthrough and Conquer event on American Gladiators, I thought that would be an interesting thing to do in the NFL.

Edvard: Sorry, what is Breakthrough and Conquer?

Roger: In the 1990s, one of the events on American Gladiators involved the contender trying to score a touchdown against one Gladiator and then immediately have to wrestle another Gladiator.

Edvard: Ah. So breakthrough... and conquer.

Roger: Yes. So I am proposing that the extra point is given if the player who scored the touchdown is able to pin the player who failed to tackle him.

Laurent: That actually sounds super awesome.

Lisa: Yeah, I kinda like that.

Edvard: Well, that’s certainly an odd Schmilblick. Roger, thank you for being here today, and enjoy that trip to the Super Bowl. Patrollers, you came so close, but we do have some wonderful gifts for you to take home. Thank you so much for playing. And that’s all we have for today. Thanks for joining us, and we’ll see you next time right here on GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night!

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