WEEKLY WHINE

Decisions are being made rapidly

Hi. Let’s take a few minutes to learn about important events.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s take the rest of the hour to listen to strange arguments about important events that will never change how you already felt about them anyway.

Yes, we here at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network are finally learning from other news coverage. Telling people what is happening in the world and giving them context in order to help them understand things and make informed decisions is so 20th century. Yesterday, news organisations’ objectives were as varied as the people they tried to reach, but they all aimed to inform people in an objective manner. Today, they all have the same objective: to make money.

So starting this week, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is going to bring you an exciting new feature in which people shout about their opinions on things they have no business expressing their opinions on regardless of the volume level. We call it Long Opinions and Unfiltered Drama. Here are the topics that will be featured in the first week of this new feature. We hope it will be just as exciting and memorable for you as it is for us.

WHO WILL WIN UKRAINE ELECTION?
Our panel of people who have never been there shouts about it

IS US VETERANS AFFAIRS IN CRISIS?
Our panel of people who invested in “Support the Troops” bumper stickers shouts about it

IS DIGITAL DESTROYING FILMMAKING?
Our panel of bad filmmakers shouts about it

DID KIWIS DESCEND FROM EMUS?
Our panel of flightless humans shouts about it

WORST CAMELOPARDALID METEOR SHOWER EVER?
Our panel of bad astronomers shouts about it

DOES FACEBOOK FINALLY CARE ABOUT PRIVACY?
Our panel of experts whom you should totally follow shouts about it

DID STERLING TRY TO DESTROY EVIDENCE?
Our panel of total nonracists shouts about him

WORST CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL EVER?
Our panel of people who are not Diego Simeone shouts about it