WEEKLY WHINE

Improving upon worst

As you know, the world has been occupied recently with matters of the highest importance: ISIL at large in the Middle East, a record setting Berlin Marathon, and the recovery of a lost Sherlock Holmes silent film from nearly a century ago.

These events are surely important, but they are the same things everyone else is talking about. If you want to get ahead and look smart in front of your friends, you will have to find out what everyone else is about to start talking about. Thankfully, the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is here to help you do that.

We now present some of the continuing topics that are being covered right now on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network. If you want to see full, detailled coverage of these continuing topics, turn on your television and use it to view programming that is transmitted live via satellite from GoobNet to your home.

And don’t forget that you can now use the astonishing GoobNet Go app to view programming that is transmitted live via satellite from GoobNet to your mobile device.

Note that even if you use a mobile device to view programming that is transmitted live via satellite from GoobNet, the name of the network will remain unchanged. The network still uses technology based upon the television, so we believe that the network’s name is still valid. Also, do you have any idea how much it costs to change all those signs? Not to mention all those microphone triangles. What do you expect us to do, slap a new sticker on there and keep going? You the viewers would notice that in a second. You deserve better, and we are going to give you better.

HONG KONG PROTESTS
Umbrella revolution not yet at logical endpoint: protesters dressing like the Penguin

EBOLA PANIC
Fox News helping to limit spread by scaring viewers shitless

NASA SELECTS SPACECRAFT MANUFACTURERS
Chasing dreams no longer priority for America’s space programme

BRAZIL VOTES
Silva, Rousseff in bid to be target of protests during 2016 Olympics

WOMEN’S WORLD CUP LAWSUIT
The phrase ‘turf war’ not permitted for duration of this report

CALIFORNIA PASSES SICK LEAVE LAW
Californians have no reaction due to ongoing vomitation at work

BASEBALL POSTSEASON HEATS UP
Cardinals, Dodgers fail to accumulate more than one HBP in first game

GENERIC COVERAGE OF UPCOMING FILM
Select method of release: DVD, Netflix, 100,000 word textual description of every scene bound as hardcover with ‘By Nicholas Sparks’ on cover, other