WEEKLY WHINE

Join us in keeping fear alive

As you know, television media claims to cover news by telling you about global events that are important to you at home.

But which events are important? Based upon most television media, it would be the ones that can kill you. Which, apparently, includes all of them.

So, at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we are finally learning from our competitors. They are obviously doing something right, considering that their reach is much greater than ours. Fox News, for example, reaches about 100,000,000 homes in the United States alone. The GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, by comparison, reaches almost one home.

In an effort to ameliorate this problem, we are introducing a new nightly programme, The Oh Noes! Report with Sarah Palin. Each evening, The Oh Noes! Report will highlight at least one thing that you should totally be afraid of and should never let your children near. Below please find the ongoing topics that the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network has currently deemed scary at levels of 75% shit evacuation or higher.

We would like to clarify one thing: Montgomery McBlanc hosts The Oh Noes! Report, not Sarah Palin. We have titled it The Oh Noes! Report with Sarah Palin to give you yet another thing to be frightened of: the possibility that Sarah Palin might appear on the programme.

OH NOES! EBOLA!
Virus that is very difficult to contract could kill you

OH NOES! HURRICANES!
Débris flying at high speeds could kill you

OH NOES! SYNOD!
Disagreement in the Catholic church could kill you

OH NOES! ISIL!
Huge faceless organisation deciding whom to behead could kill you

OH NOES! CREDIT CARDS!
Huge faceless corporation deciding whether to approve your charge could kill you

OH NOES! PROTESTS!
People disagreeing over whether candidates should be vetted could kill you

OH NOES! ELECTRIC CARS!
Someone you can’t hear backing up could kill you

OH NOES! THE WORD ‘ASS’!
Drunken robot who wants to kill all humans could kill you