WEEKLY WHINE

A certain point of view

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens is due to be released shortly before the end of this year. There are several things we can expect to see: Han with grey hair, Luke with a beard, and a whole lot of sand.

But will that be enough to make fans happy? If Disney is to avoid the fuckups found in Episodes I, II, and III, this new film will need to distinguish itself early and often. Specifically, it will need to incorporate these things.

• Han attempts to come to terms with having shot first.
• The Rebel Alliance’s science advisor [Neil deGrasse Tyson] explains to Luke that he can’t hear the Imperial ships exploding because sound waves don’t propagate in vacuum.
• The Force awakens, but hits the snooze button.
• Lowbacca, Tenel Ka, Zekk, Raynar Thul, and Jaina Solo bond during a day of detention at the Jedi Academy.
• Luke insists that he could hear the Imperial ships exploding previously.
• C-3PO dutifully translates a rap battle between R2-D2 and Nien Nunb.
• Unhappy with the bride that his parents have selected for him, Lando Calrissian Jr travels to “the most common part” of the Coruscant underworld in search of his true love.
• The science advisor insists that the sound of the Imperial ships exploding must have been in Luke’s head.
• Chewbacca buys a vowel.
• Whilst babysitting the Solo children, C-3PO receives a call and must pick up Wedge at the space bus station. The children persuade him to bring them along. Hilarity ensues.
• Han attempts to come to terms with having looked scruffy.
• Upon discovering that he has overbid on his Showcase, Boba Fett falls to his knees and cries, “Noooooo!”.
• Han explains to the science advisor that the Millennium Falcon’s record was for the shortest distance traversing the Kessel Run, not the shortest time.
• R2-D2 publishes his memoir, Beep Chirp Whistle. During his promotional tour, an interviewer [Stephen Colbert] asks him, “Star Wars: Great wars, or the greatest wars?”.
• Amidst uncertainty about her future, Octa Ramis skips a day of her final year of training at the Jedi Academy, convincing two of her friends to join her. Hilarity ensues.
• A retraction and apology regarding midichlorians.