WEEKLY WHINE

Boots saves the day, as per usual

Earth, just stop it. Seriously, that’s plenty.

We here at GoobNet have had enough bombings and hostage takings. We need an anti-hostage taking. We need a hostage giving.

Whilst we try to figure out what such a thing would entail [breaking into a nightclub and giving kittens to everyone?], the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network is going to try to cover some other things. Here now are the other continuing stories that are currently occupying programming time on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network.

Disclaimer: By using your television to view satellite programming live, you agree not to hold GoobNet responsible for any disasters that may befall you while using your television to view satellite programming live. Such disasters include, but are not limited to: spontaneous combustion, spontaneous vomiting, spontaneous falling over, spontaneous vowel buying, and spontaneous playing of Twister.

And yes, spontaneous playing of Twister is totally a thing. To those who believe that spontaneous playing of Twister is not a disaster: have you seen Gaby play Twister? Of the top 3,000 unpleasant experiences you can think of, Gaby has done at least 1,800 to a Twister opponent.

MYANMAR ELECTIONS
Priorities to include education, constitution reform, name of nation

UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI PRESIDENT RESIGNS
New protest target: pictures on student ID cards

REPUBLICAN US PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES DEBATE
You won’t believe what Carson said this time... because it’s not true

PHOBOS DISINTEGRATING?
Mars could soon have 63,000 moons

HOLM KOS ROUSEY IN MELBOURNE
Rousey’s weakness is exposed: fights longer than fourteen seconds

UTERUS TRANSPLANTS IN DEVELOPMENT
Each operation to include bumper sticker: My Other Uterus Was Vestigial or Absent

PLANET WITH CATEGORY 300 WINDS
HD 189733b’s 2,000 m/s winds good for hang gliding, not so much for standing still

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 COMING BACK?
If Kickstarter hits US$4,000,000, new Servo to come with gumballs this time