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WEEKLY WHINE

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Are you lost? Disoriented? Directionless? Do you need a helping hand to guide you in your way?

Then what are you doing here at GoobNet? You should have a long, honest talk with a close friend. Or alternatively, have a long, honest talk with a psychologist who receives your money.

Okay, once you get yourself sorted out and you have rediscovered your ability to laugh at yourself and at others, please enjoy these fortunes that are to be found now in GoobNet’s Misfortune Cookies. Look for GoobNet’s Misfortune Cookies wherever unfortunate snacks and desserts are sold.

  • DISREGARD PREVIOUS FORTUNE. YOU’RE PROBABLY SAFE
  • TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO SMELL
  • TRY NEW THINGS. LEARN TO CRY ON CUE
  • DID YOU KNOW THAT KEN JENNINGS NEVER WON A JEOPARDY! TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS? DOESN’T SOUND SO SMART NOW, DOES HE?
  • INVEST IN BALLOON MANUFACTURERS TODAY. SERIOUSLY, THAT INDUSTRY IS ABOUT TO BLOW UP
  • CLICK THIS FORTUNE TO CHAT NOW WITH 100S OF SEXY SINGLES IN YOUR AREA
  • CONSIDER DUCKING OUT OF THE WAY OF THAT MOTORCYCLE THAT’S ABOUT TO SMASH THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE RESTAURANT
  • TELL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU TO FUCK OFF, AND THEN DENY HAVING SAID IT
  • I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING CRYPTIC BULLSHIT IN THESE MOTHERFUCKING FORTUNE COOKIES! THIS IS SAMUEL L JACKSON, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES
  • YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO RECEIVE A FREE FORTUNE. SIMPLY TAKE THIS SURVEY
  • TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. WHEN HAVE THEY EVER FAILED YOU? OH. I DIDN’T REALISE YOU HAD A LIST
  • DIVEST YOUR INVESTMENTS IN TOILET BOWL CLEANERS TODAY. SERIOUSLY, THAT INDUSTRY IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN THE TUBES
  • THIS FORTUNE IS NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP. NOR IS IT GONNA LET YOU DOWN
  • WAIT, DID THAT PERSON JUST GET RICKROLLED BY THEIR FORTUNE? IS RICKROLLING EVEN STILL A THING?
  • PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE. BEGIN BUILDING YOUR DOOMSDAY BUNKER
  • THERE IS NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT WHETHER THAT GIRL LIKES YOU, BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T

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