WEEKLY WHINE

We’ve got it all on Earth

Planets, as usual, have been all over the news recently. Evidence in the outer reaches of the Solar System suggests that there might be a large planet, about the size of Uranus or Neptune, as much as 1,200 AU from the Sun. The five closest planets to Earth are all visible in the morning sky. And, of course, Earth is continually in the news, for reasons good or bad.

So that means it is time once again for the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network to present the latest news concerning objects in the Solar System. We will now show you some of the stories coming up on this week’s edition of Secrets of the Universe with Philo.

However, please note that although last week’s edition of Secrets of the Universe was extraordinarily popular, we have been asked to remove the segment in which Philo shows how to make plutonium from ordinary household items, and to provide you with a reminder that you should totally not make plutonium from ordinary household items. Neither should you agree to run a television station that your uncle won in a poker game, nor should you launch a counterattack into a rival television station whilst imagining yourself as Sylvester Stallone. And you should especially not have Michael Richards host your children’s television programme.

EARTH CONTINUES TO INSIST UPON BEING SPHERICAL
Scientist Laureate Neil deGrasse Tyson wins everything for 10¹⁹th consecutive time

OSCARS SO WHITE CONTROVERSY
Studios respond: “But what about that token black astronaut in The Martian?”

EVEN MORE EVIDENCE FOR GIANT IMPACT THEORY
Not to be confused with Giant Impact font

PLANET NINE OUT THERE FOR THE FINDING
Astronomers hoping to avoid 404 Planet Not Found error

2015 HOTTEST YEAR ON RECORD
Republican candidates in Iowa to let market decide how hot it is

WATER ICE FORMS BEDROCK OF 134340 PLUTO
Town of Water Ice to be setting of Plutonian Flintstones

ASTRONAUT PEAKE ENLISTS STUDENTS FOR NEW EXPERIMENT
Students to grow seeds that have been in space, avoid calling them Audrey

NASA GIVES TOURS TO SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS
Or #Timetown works too