WEEKLY WHINE

The latest on the elections that matter

As you know, humans are constantly voting on things. We vote on whether our nations should leave sui generis politicoeconomic unions with one another. We vote on who should receive – and subsequently decline – invitations to participate in exhibition sporting events. We vote on who should sing other people’s songs for albums that are released in December and forgotten the following December. We vote on whether flammable keyboards are worthy of a thumbs up or a thumbs down. We even vote on the outcomes of sporting events, even though we need only wait a few hours to find out the actual outcomes.

So what are people currently voting on? And how do the results matter to you? The GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, as always, is perfectly positioned to answer these questions.

That perfect position, of course, is slightly to the left of your elbow. Go ahead. Take a look. See that little fly slightly to the left of your elbow? That’s not a fly. That is the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network’s very own Mobile Observation Station that Quietly Undermines International Treaty Organisations. It is collecting data at this very moment for transmission back to our global headquarters. That data will then be thoroughly analysed by our team of experts before it is transmitted back to you, live, via satellite, using television.

So please do not use your Fairly Long and Youthful Stick With Auxiliary Tracking Tool for Energy Release on our Mobile Observation Station that Quietly Undermines International Treaty Organisations. It may affect your ability to receive live programming via satellite using your television. It may also void our warranty.

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UK VOTES TO LEAVE EU
Nigel Farage declares British independence day, has most British name

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US VOTES ON NEXT PRESIDENT
Nation faces difficult choice between River Song, Cmdr Strax

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AUSTRALIA VOTES ON WHATEVER IT IS AUSTRALIA VOTES ON
Something about the guy who’s cutting corporate taxes

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MAINE VOTES ON RANKED CHOICE VOTING
But first they have to vote on how they’re going to vote on how they’re going to vote on this

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BERMUDA VOTES ON SAME SEX MARRIAGE
Bermudians wear short shorts... but not that short

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NEW ZEALAND’S VOTE TO KEEP FLAG
Kiwi Laser Eye flag will always represent New Zealand in our hearts

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ITALY’S VOTE ON OFFSHORE OIL CONCESSIONS
You know, the vote that didn’t count because nobody gave a fuck

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SAN MARINO’S VOTE TO ABOLISH QUORUM
Nation makes bold decision not to ignore people who actually give a fuck