WEEKLY WHINE

How to develop helmetball

Professional sports leagues in North America are finally realising that their young players need someplace to develop as professionals, and as people. Major League Baseball and the National Hockey League have long had minor leagues where young draftees are sent. Most clubs in the National Basketball Association and Major League Soccer now have an affiliate, which in many cases is owned by the parent club.

The National Football League, however, has yet to recognise the importance of developmental leagues. But it will, and when it does, its clubs need to know what to call their developmental teams, and where they should play. Let us therefore answer that question for them.

AFC

Baltimore Ravens

Baltimore’s developmental team would be the Annapolis Sailors.

Buffalo Bills

Though they no longer play an annual game in Toronto, there remains a fan base there. Buffalo would do well to base their developmental team there and call them the Toronto Bison.

Cincinnati Bengals

Cincinnati’s developmental team would be the Dayton Triangles, named for a charter member club of the American Professional Football Association, precursor to the NFL.

Cleveland Browns

Cleveland are their own developmental team. If they still feel the need to establish a separate one, though, it would be the Canton Historians.

Denver Broncos

Denver’s developmental team would be the Colorado Springs Mustangs.

Houston Texans

Houston’s developmental team would be the Rio Grande Valley Oilers, resurrecting the name of Houston’s original NFL team.

Indianapolis Colts

Indianapolis’s developmental team would be the Indiana Truckers.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Jacksonville are their own developmental team. If they still feel the need to establish a separate one, though, it would be the Daytona Beach Sliders.

Kansas City Chiefs

Spotting a void to be filled, Kansas City would establish their developmental team as the St Louis Chefs. Fans seeing the team’s advertisements for the first time would wonder about the spelling, and the team would post on Twitter that it is not a typo, and it is indeed supposed to be Chefs.

Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers would establish their developmental team as the Inland Empire Bolts. However, we would prefer to see the San Diego Bolts, if only to see the inevitable boycotts.

Miami Dolphins

Miami’s developmental team would be the Boca Raton Fins.

New England Patriots

New England’s developmental team would be the Rhode Island Flying Elvii.

New York Jets

The Jets’ developmental team would be the Trenton Air Traffic Controllers. Naturally, the press would immediately shorten that to the Trolls.

Oakland Raiders

Oakland’s developmental team would be the Reno Raiders.

Pittsburgh Steelers

A team like Pittsburgh would clearly call their developmental team Pittsburgh Steelers II.

Tennessee Titans

Tennessee’s developmental team would be the Memphis Thumbtacks.

NFC

Arizona Cardinals

Arizona’s developmental team would be the Tucson Big Red.

Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta’s developmental team would be the Savannah Dirty Birds.

Carolina Panthers

Carolina’s developmental team would be the Greenville Black Cats.

Chicago Bears

Chicago’s developmental team would be the Decatur Staleys, resurrecting the parent club’s original name.

Dallas Cowboys

A team like Dallas would clearly call their developmental team Dallas Cowboys II.

Detroit Lions

Detroit’s developmental team would be the Sault Ste Marie Yoopers.

Green Bay Packers

Green Bay’s developmental team would be the Milwaukee Packers.

Los Angeles Rams

The Rams’ developmental team would be the Anaheim Rams. However, we would prefer to see them troll the Chargers and establish the San Diego Rams instead.

Minnesota Vikings

Minnesota’s developmental team would be the Quad Cities Norsemen.

New Orleans Saints

New Orleans’s developmental team would be the Baton Rouge Krewe.

New York Giants

The Giants’ developmental team would be the New Jersey Giants, to be based in Newark.

Philadelphia Eagles

Philadelphia’ developmental team would be the Delaware Silver Birds.

San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers’ developmental team would be the San Francisco Miners, notable because they would actually play in San Francisco.

Seattle Seahawks

Seattle’s developmental team would be the Spokane Totems.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tampa Bay’s developmental team would be the Orlando Bucs.

Washington NFL team

Washington’s developmental team would be the Alexandria [something even more horribly racist].